Identity · Motherhood · Roles · Sacrifice · Vocation/Gifts/Calling

Graduating to Motherhood

thegraduatewife3 Comments

Written by Sarah, a former graduate wife 

When I graduated from my dual MA program in history and public policy, I felt relieved.  All the hard work and sacrifice of three years of intense study was over and I had achieved a major life goal.  I also felt relieved for another reason; unlike many of my fellow students who were experiencing the stress of finding jobs in the midst of a recession, I knew exactly what I would be doing for the next few months.

Right at the end of my time in graduate school, I got pregnant.  To say this was “not the plan” would be misleading since I really didn’t have a plan.  I was married and we intended to start a family “sometime soon.”  Like many other women my age, I assumed that eventually I would have both a fulfilling career and a family, but I was always a little fuzzy on what would come first, whether I’d work on these things at the same time or stagger them.  So when it came time to look for that first job out of graduate school, I was relieved to have the immediate decision made for me.  In one month, I would give birth and there was no way that I could reasonably expect an employer to be interested in an 8-months pregnant graduate.

Still, I told everyone who asked (professors, friends, family), “I plan to stay home at first and see how I like it and then I will look for a job depending on how I adapt to being at home.”  I assumed that there was a good chance I would be bored and miserable staying home full-time and that I would long to get right out and “use” the degrees I had worked so hard to earn. I also didn’t see myself as the “staying at home type”, someone I envisioned as having always longed to be a mother and homemaker.  Since well before college, I had envisioned a career that would change the world.  I hoped I would eventually have some kind of important position where I made a significant impact in education, social justice, or politics.

Three years later, I am still a stay-at-home mom, now with a new baby and a toddler.  One of the biggest surprises of my life is that I enjoy staying at home.  For the first year, I struggled with serious identity confusion.  I loved being a mother, but where was the woman I had been, that all my friends and professors knew?  A lot of things hadn’t changed (my basic personality, the types of issues that interest me) but many things had.  Every time I considered a potential job, my dread would grow.  How could I leave my child at home to pursue an entry-level job that might or might not be fulfilling?  Finally, I accepted that my immediate dreams and priorities had changed.  For the first time since graduating from college, I knew exactly where I was needed most and it felt really good.

I still don’t love housework or all aspects of childcare and I certainly would never want to do those things for a job in anyone else’s home, but still, most days I feel challenged and yet completely sure of my calling.  For this season, I belong at home with my children.  I now see my life as made up of seasons in which I might focus on one dream or another.  I can envision a general calling for my whole life (the things that I am passionate about, my roles as wife and mother, my faith) and specific seasons when I respond by focusing on certain roles.

Initially, I had to let go of a serious feeling of obligation to myself, my spouse, my former professors, even to society, a feeling that I ought to use my degrees now that I had earned them.  I still have days where I worry about this gamble I’ve taken, trading in what should have been the early years of my career to focus on my family.   Will I look back in ten years and wish I had chosen differently?  To bolster my self-esteem, I seek out women who at one time took time out from their careers and who later became successful in their professions.  There are many more than most people realize.  Their examples give me hope that someday, when I’m ready, I too will make a successful transition into meaningful work outside the home.

The main way I cope with worries about the future is by celebrating how secure I feel in my identity and choices.  I used to think that once I was done with graduate school I would be the person I longed to be, the one who would change the world in some amazing professional role.  Now I see that by cultivating a secure personal identity, I continue to grow into someone prepared to make a significant impact at any time, whether in the home or outside it.

Have you had to let go of a dream for a season?  How has the process affected your identity? 

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: The Diamond Jubilee

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In case you may have missed it, this has been a huge weekend for those of us living in England.

This year marks the 60th year of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, and trust me, this country knows how to throw a party. It’s been unbelievable to watch the transformation of a country that normally hides its patriotic pride (Brits, by their own admission, rarely show patriotism), to Union Jack bunting lining the streets of every village, shop, and home, in celebration of Her Majesty, The Queen.

If you get a chance, watch a bit of yesterday’s royal flotilla, the largest boat pageant in England since King Charles II’s reign.  (You can find a great link here).

To be honest, I’ve really enjoyed it. It’s been nice to watch a country that I live in, but am not a citizen of, celebrate a woman who has given 60 years of her life to serve her country. She is certainly more than deserving of it.

God Save the Queen!

credit

For some wonderful coverage of this special event, check out these links:

http://www.thediamondjubilee.org/

http://www.bbc.co.uk

-Mandy

Job Search · Professional Careers

Plan F

thegraduatewife13 Comments

-written by Keeley, a current graduate wife

Any time my husband, Jason, begins a sentence with the words, “Well if this whole professor thing doesn’t work out, I can always…” I know that what follows is going to be a real gem. He’s come up with widely varying ideas of how he can make a living, most of which involve chocolate-chip cookies, or kittens, or a combination of the two. I think my favorite idea involved being a farmer who grows his own peanuts, strawberries, and mangoes (the geographic location of this farm is obviously yet to be determined) and raises baby goats, kittens, golden retrievers, and donkeys (because in his words, their ears are “sweet.”)

In all seriousness, the job market does look pretty grim for professors of just about anything these days, and Jason shares the concerns of any liberal arts PhD candidate, as he is currently pursuing a degree in Modern Christian History. At the end of this endeavor, he will know more about the East African Revival of the 20th century, including all the sociopolitical dynamics of colonialism that helped shape this movement, than maybe two or three other people who are alive. However, this doesn’t ensure that he will find a job teaching or researching anything related to these issues. He is, of course, attempting to get as much practice as possible through conferences, publishing articles, and teaching, and you can bet that he’ll be applying for every job opening far and wide once the time comes, but at the end of the day, his chances depend greatly on the job market and on who’s hiring and exactly what they’re looking for. I only give this background to explain why my husband may have fantasies of being a kitten farmer.

All things considered though, I think it’s a healthy exercise, right? What’s the harm in coming to terms with the fact that yes, while our lives are largely centered around this particular undertaking, we are still human beings with other identities and interests? This is easier for me to do because I’m not the one staring at a computer screen every day, scanning  through microfilm databases, accessing and decoding handwritten documents, or attempting to write a book which in all likelihood, only a handful of people will probably ever read. But for Jason, I can understand why some days he might consider a “backup backup” plan, (or “Plan F” as one of my best friends calls it, whose PhD husband’s own Plan F happens to be to work at McDonald’s).  I can understand the appeal of being a day laborer, or having another type of job that involves getting up, going in to work, doing the required tasks, then coming home and forgetting about it, versus a career like the one he is currently embarking on, which requires all of him–body, mind, and soul, so to speak.

I think we can all identify with this struggle, and with the pessimism that may come from considering seven to eight years of our life spent in pursuit of a degree which may or may not result in a desirable appointment. This is partly why I am grateful for this very blog, where we can share our concerns as well as ideas on how to make these days, months, and years count as much as possible. This is also why I am grateful for Jason’s hobbies, which include baking (some mind-numbingly delicious cappuccino-cream cheese brownies emerged from the oven last night thanks to him), because you never know when the little cupcake bakery downtown might be hiring! And in between sessions of researching and writing, he gets a fair bit of cat-snuggling in, which has enabled him to communicate effectively through expressions and meows with our two cats (at least he seems convinced of the fact). Yes, we have actually given some thought to which professor he would ask for a recommendation, were he to apply for a job at PetSmart.

In all honesty, I have a lot of faith in Jason and the hard work he does, and the respect I have for him to get up early every morning to develop this incredibly fascinating project can’t be overstated. But being at this stage in life requires a lot of flexibility, quite a bit of humility, and maybe a pinch or two of levity. So once all this PhD business is done and we get settled on our cat ranch in Wyoming, we’ll be glad to have you up to visit. You can stay in our bed and breakfast, where we’ll show you around and introduce you to our baby fainting goats, and we’ll save some cappuccino-cream cheese brownies for you in the kitchen.

In this graduate season of life, do you discuss what may happen if the ‘plan’ doesn’t work out the way you had intended? What does that look like?

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Memorial Day

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On this Memorial Day, we remember those who have given their lives for our freedom, and honor those who still fight for it. Thank you.

Spirit, that made those heroes dare
To die, and leave their children free,
Bid Time and Nature gently spare
The shaft we raise to them and thee.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shuga' Mommas

Shuga’ Mommas: Portobello Stuffed Mushrooms

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True Fact: I could eat mushrooms every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I never understood why people don’t like mushrooms. How could you not like something smothered and covered in cheese, herbs, and a bit of tomato sauce? (Now I must ask myself if I really like mushrooms or cheese…hmmm…something to think about).

Anyway, because I like to experiment with what’s in my fridge, I made this concoction the other night, and it was actually pretty great. And, ridiculously cheap to make. Graduate wife budget + cheap, healthy meal= winner in our house!

PORTOBELLO STUFFED MUSHROOMS

  • 4 Portobello Mushrooms
  • 1 package of fresh spinach
  • 1 container of ricotta cheese (or you can use feta, or whatever your heart desires)
  • 4 or 5 TBSP of Parmesan
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • variety of herbs (oregano, parsley, basil)
  • 2 TBSP of olive oil
  • Salt and Pepper to taste
  • Jar of tomato and basil sauce (or you can even use the pizza sauce recipe post from awhile ago)

Preheat oven to 350F (176C)

Heat olive oil in sauce pan. Saute spinach and garlic for about 5 minutes, and set aside.

In a separate bowl, add container of Ricotta cheese and Parmesan then mix together. Next, add in spinach, herbs, salt, pepper, and garlic. Mix thoroughly, and then place mixture inside the mushrooms. Pour sauce over the top and bake for 20 minutes, or until tops are brown. Sprinkle with Parmesan and serve!

The recipe will serve 2 people as a stand-alone meal; 4 people if served as a starter, or with a salad.

And did you know?? The portobello also called portabella is really simply a brown crimini mushroom in disguise. Evidently the usage of the two words “portobello vs. portabella” is simply an issue of a marketing brand. Once the little brown crimini grows up to be about 4″ – 6″ in diameter he is deemed to be a portobello.

-Mandy

Wednesday's Weekly Tip

Wednesday’s Weekly Tip: Random Household Secrets!

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Today’s tips come from the quirky little 4 Ingredients book that we have highlighted before in our Shuga Momma’s column.  Below are some random tips I found in there, but they are fun, thrifty and worth giving a try.  I haven’t tried any myself, but I’m warming up some hot water right right now to see if it helps with my clumpy mascara.  Here goes!  Enjoy! -M.C.

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Leaving a Little Mystery?

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I came across this quote a while back from an interview with Emma Watson, the famous star from the Harry Potter films.  I was really struck by her last statement that ‘less is more’.  It reminds me of a former roommate of mine and a discussion we had revolving around the issue of buying a one piece bathing suit for an upcoming trip to the beach.  “You gotta leave a little mystery!” were her words and how they have stuck with me.  What does this have to say not only of our wardrobes, but maybe also to our  lives lived online?

Is less really more? In this context? In others?  What do you think?

Much food for thought!

-M.C.

Moving

Costly Dreams

thegraduatewife1 Comment

Today’s blog post comes from Carol Stratton, author of ‘Changing Zipcodes: Finding Community Wherever You’re Transplanted.‘  Carol is a veteran mover (22 times!) and has written articles for The Grand Rapids Press, Zionsville Times Sentinel newspapers as well as Purpose, The Christian Communicator, Fandangle, In Touch, Women’s Touch, Your Church and Forsyth Woman magazines and has reviewed books for the Christian Book Previews. She won the 2005 Paper Cottage “Smart Women” Essay contest and has taught at The Write-to-Publish Conference and at the CLASS Christian Writers Conference. She has kindly agreed to share one of her stories from her new book with The Graduate Wife. You can find more information about moving tips and moving stories from her website: http://www.changingzipcodes.com.

Living in South Lake Tahoe, California seemed like a dream location for a new job. My husband and I had the Sierra Nevada Mountains in our backyard and one of the most beautiful lakes in the world only a few miles down the road. When my husband accepted a position managing a camp, I knew we’d hit pay dirt. I pictured us taking leisurely days off to hike the trails, boat the turquoise lake, and explore abandoned gold mine towns. In winter we’d ski down the powdery slopes.

Reality quickly slammed us. My husband worked almost seven days a week, on call like a country doctor. He faced strong-willed staff members, a flu epidemic that almost shut the camp down, an overturned boat (with the threat of the boater going into hypothermia), and a health department inspection…all within the first four months. Throw that together with my becoming pregnant with bad morning-sickness and my rose-colored view of his job turned gray from stress and led to exhaustion for both of us. Suddenly those snow-capped mountains didn’t matter much. I missed seeing my husband as I craved an opportunity for him to have a day off.

Sometimes our dreams collide with practical life. We were newlyweds when we took the camp job, but before we left the area for a new job, I gave birth to a 7 week early son. Our Tahoe experience taught us that we, as a couple, need to really think things through before we pull up stakes and jump into a new career. Though we both tend to come out high on the “craving adventure and change scale,” we’ve learned through hard experiences to take time to research and understand the impact a move will make on our family. Planning and analyzing is essential. Seriously scrutinizing a possible move may save us money and heartache down the road. We ended up moving to another state and couldn’t sell our home for eighteen months. That particular dream cost us a lot of dollars.

Are you considering a move state to state or even just a change of houses in your town? There is a story in the Bible that reminds us that when a man decides to build a tower he first counts the cost. How will this possible relocation affect the emotional, financial, educational, and social needs of your family? Trust me; sometimes it’s easier to ask these questions before a move, not after one.

Taken from Changing Zip Codes: Finding Community Wherever You’re Transplanted, published by Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas Available through Amazon.

Beauty and the Budget

All Things News: Part II (storage)

thegraduatewife5 Comments

I was inspired by Deanna’s post a month back on  ‘All Things New’ and I decided to share a similar ‘trash to treasure story’ today as the second post for our series.

Just as Deanna shared…the amount of waste in our world is sobering.  It makes me sick to my stomach at times when thinking of all that we throw out and that gets chucked into landfills.  A while back I was working at a big fancy pants event (event consulting is my part-time work) and was overwhelmed at the amount of money and excess that went into this particular event.  Don’t get me wrong; it was lovely and amazing, but indeed overwhelming.  There were gifts for the attendees of the event and an entire hotel room (at a five star hotel mind you) was booked for almost a week straight, just to hold these gifts. No one even used the room…it was used solely to store the gifts.  The price of that room for a single night was more than some people make working part time for a month.  Gulp…

It is easy to point fingers and get angry at the way our world seems to waste so much…but I have learned that doing this doesn’t really get you very far.  I’ve concluded that we can make a difference by the little things we do and the ways we live our lives.  Cheesy but true, change starts with you.  Recycling, reusing and refurbishing, are all incredibly worth it and quite compatible with graduate wife lifestyles as well.  The below project was super easy and took me a whopping 2 hours to complete.  Sometimes it seems easier to just order the newest thing, but I challenge you to look around, see what you can re-use and what treasures you can come up with.  I know on a grad wife budget these opportunities sometimes present themselves, and I hope that even after this season and this budget, I will continue to live with the mindset of re-using and re-creating.

So I found this little guy in a sad, dilapidated state. Wobbly, missing a tub container and quite filthy. “ We need more storage in our tiny living room,” I thought…but this is almost hopeless, not to mention I really have an aversion for Disney princess characters.  Especially when the little tubs have ridiculous phrases written on them like (No LIE!) “One day I’ll ride on a big white horse and wear a crown and of course a gown.” And, “Watch me dance, watch me twirl, there’s a princess in every girl.”  Yes, I want my daughter to feel like a princess…but not quite in the Disney character sort of way. I took another look and thought, “what the heck” and drug it home.

I left it outside and later gave it a good scrub.  I tightened wobbly bits and I brought it inside.

Next I laid out some contact paper (I love this stuff) and then laid the shelf on top of it and traced the siding.  I then cut the paper out and simply stuck it onto the side of the shelf.  I also cut little pieces of the contact paper out to cover the princess phrases that were on the tubs.  You could also choose to spray paint the structure if you have the space to do so, or even decoupage it!

Viola!  I was done in no time and now when you look behind our door you don’t see this eye sore (cardboard box) which used to hold all the toys…

you see this! -M.C.

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: What If It Weren’t Called Pink Slime?

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If you read this blog, you know that MC and I are passionate about feeding our families real food, especially now that we both have children.

I saw this article in the New York Times yesterday, and given the media backlash against the ‘pink slime,’ I thought it was interesting that the author of the article referred to the whole episode as ‘unfair’.  It may be unfair that a seemingly respectable company with an exemplary safety record will have to reduce its workforce, but it is not in the least bit unfair to know what we the consumer, are purchasing.

I will stop before this post becomes a rant, but we DO need to know what’s going into our food, and what we’re feeding our families. And, it’s up to us to fight against the food industry to make sure things are labeled properly, so we can make wise choices.

-Mandy