Family · Inspiration · Marriage

Grad Life Voices: Living in the Moment

https://i0.wp.com/123daytrade.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/live-in-the-moment.jpg

credit

– written by Tash, a current graduate wife

I am a planner; not a meal planner – that would be helpful, but instead, a crystal ball planner. I know I want to build a family home, and although it will be years before we can finance such a project, I feel like I am already intimate with every nook and cranny of the design. I knew how our wedding would look years before our engagement, and what we would name the family dog. I’m so goal driven and outcomes based that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of our current situation and feel an inner desperation to settle, to relax, and to take a breath.

My husband has been my very best friend for a very long time. He is incredibly intelligent, loyal, and loving. He is deep, intuitive and the most incredible thinker. Like most of us, if he isn’t following his passion, he is simply a shadow of himself. Our children are 3 and 5, and, quite frankly, amazing human beings. It’s so important that my children watch what my husband is going through, because, dare I say it, I believe they are wired in a very similar way. It’s so important that my significant other is at university, because he is happy and healthy and smiling!

And then there is me. I am 27. I am a Mum and a youth worker, but most critically, I am the wife of a post grad student. I say most critically because my children deserve the stability of a strong and connected Mum and Dad. Given the pressures of the grad life, I’m okay with my order of focus.

Looking back on my past plans, it seems my crystal ball lead me on a defunct path. Where I once thought I would be a stay at home mum, I actually work. With living in a small country township, and with extended family members who could have that magic time at home with their own children, I was initially resentful.

Eventually I came to an understanding about the gift of our circumstances. My young children have genuine and incredible friendships, built through their time at preschool. They have an understanding of the outside world and a light, but clear belief of the importance of societal contribution. Through the work opportunities I have had, I’ve discovered more about myself and my abilities in the last few years than ever before. My husband’s return to university has pushed me to discover who I really am, and the gifts and talents that I have to offer. Interactions and progress within my career has given me a personal confidence that positively impacts my parenting. The intensity in which we as a household live drives us to be conscious about getting quiet time out in wide open spaces. Grad Life is a gift that has allowed for self development and enriched family life.

Despite this, I still fall into patterns of fear and loss.

I’m lucky in that I know my home is ‘home’ until The Engineer finishes his PhD. But where is home base for the long term? What if I have to let go of the community I’m so attached to, of the friends and neighbours that have been behind us during such an intense time? What if my children will have to learn to let go of their real world relationships and substitute them for Skype and Facebook as they go about making new connections in another town? What if this path isn’t leading us to the security that we convince ourselves it will, and if the husband doesn’t find work that meets his emotional, social and intellectual needs?

It’s a big, scary, wide world out there.

We can plan until the cows come home, until we’ve got the future colour coded, alphabetized, and listed. Then, when plans don’t come into fruition on our time line, it can be a lonely experience, and it can hurt.

So, we have to consciously rewire our brain. We have to push against ourselves, and we have to settle. Because as morbid and as cliché as it sounds, we get to be alive today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. What works for one may not work for another, but I highly recommend reading “The Happiness Project” by Gretchin Rubin, to help get the inspiration flowing. Listed below are some of the wee baby steps that are helping retrain the way I approach this stage of life.

I began a gratitude journal. It’s where I slow myself right down, and take note of how good I’ve actually got it. My children are healthy, my husband is healthy, and my life has purpose. Some days, it’s simply I found the energy to make my morning coffee – that’s okay too. It’d be far worse a day if you didn’t have the energy to make your morning coffee!

Photography is therapy, it simply changed my outlook on life. I by no means sing my own praises, but I am fortunate to have a camera, and a great local camera club to learn from. I have slowly become aware of natural beauty, the colours of the sky, the shapes of the clouds, and the tranquility of water. I think my children are having a hard time with our lifestyle, but then I look back at the photographic memories and realise just how much mood and attitude can mess with our outlook and opinions. It turns out my kids are having an incredible childhood, and I’ve got the images to prove it. I have amazing relationships with my children’s teachers and they reiterate the balance in our children and the stories they share. So actually, as far as parents go, we’re doing just fine.

I’ve created shrines in my house. A ‘happy place’ shrine has little mementos of time with my family, and a bunch of my favourite flowers. I walk past it and smile, regardless. A shelf in our bookcase has been dedicated to our wedding, with the photo album, a shell from the beach we had our photos, the communion cup and a few other little extras. These things remind me that I am loved.

When I finish work early, I head to the university. It means the hubby and I get to travel home together and score a few minutes down time in one another’s company. Friday nights are simply not work nights. Sure we both want his PhD, but we want our marriage more. We have a jar with about a dozen washi-taped sticks. I googled ‘in-house’ and ‘budget’ date ideas, wrote them on the sticks and the stuck them in our jar. On date night, we don’t have to think about what to do, the jar will tell us. It doesn’t have to be flashy or expensive, but it means I’m not waiting for the day I get my husband back.

I accept where I am right now, in this moment. If I’m happy, that is okay. If I’m sad, that is okay. If I don’t feel up to entertaining once a month, it is okay. I am me with my strengths, weaknesses, dreams and desires and there is nothing wrong with that – in fact, it’s perfect. There is a reason I am the way I am, no justification required. There is a roof over my head, so therefore I need to love it. This is my home, and I am blessed to have one. It’s a time consuming but incredibly rewarding project to make it the best darn home I can, spending as minimally as I can. The future house loses its lustre when it means I have to leave the one I’ve created!

I haven’t nailed it, I still struggle with the concept, but living in the moment is certainly one of the key and most meaningful lessons that is emerging throughout our journey. Rest assured that if this post resonates with you at all you’re not alone, and that supposedly, one day we’ll look back and realise just how awesome we all really are.

Graduation day will come, for our significant others, and for us.

 As a graduate wife, how do you live in the moment?

Advertisement
Job Search

Backup Regularly: Thinking About What You Can Do with a PhD

credit

-written by Dr. Casey Strine

There is a great temptation to start this essay by recounting statistics about how many more PhDs than academic jobs there are like some form of career ruin porn.  I’ll refrain, but if you’re not familiar with such info, then here is one of the less apoplectic articles on the topic:

http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2013/12/09/data-show-modest-gain-number-new-phds-jobs-upon-graduation

Since you’re reading this post there is a high likelihood you already know that there are diminishing opportunities and rapacious competition for tenure track academic jobs in all disciplines. Here, I want to address how one might cope with this situation and not to lament it.  The latter is a conversation I only have face to face and with an open bottle of whisky.

Forgive me for starting with autobiographical context, but I think it will illumine what follows. I received my doctorate in February 2011 from the University of Oxford and, thanks to Her Majesty’s government, was permitted to stay in the UK until July 2013.  I had just over two years to get a good postdoc or university lectureship with my newly minted Oxford D.Phil.  Tough to be sure, but I’d navigated tough odds before.

On the final Saturday in January 2013 my wife and I sat on the kitchen floor of our flat to have a conversation I’d been dreading for over 12 months.  I had secured neither a university lectureship nor a research fellowship and, quite honestly, I had almost no prospects for either at that moment.  The last few grains of sand were about to go through my academic career hourglass and it was time to figure out what I would do with my doctorate.  The relentless pressure of my thesis and my academic job search precluded me from having the emotional space and mental energy necessary to answer this question.  Strategy consulting? Secondary school teaching? Non-profit or think-tank?  Barista? What on God’s green earth was I going to do now?

That conversation with my wife felt like standing on a precipice watching my career dreams plummet to a gruesome death.  I only chose to do a doctorate because people I trusted had encouraged me to do so; they believed I should pursue my interest in research and talent for teaching.  What was I supposed to do now that their suggested path appeared to be a dead end?

I’ve reflected on this dilemma a great deal in the past year–the time since I managed to slay a dragon by (miraculously) landing a full-time, permanent university post.  Even though my story did not end with my academic career dreams tumbling over my metaphorical precipice, I came far too close to that ledge to avoid obsessing over these questions.  What I offer here is not a definitive answer; rather, it is a list of practical things I would do different if I had it all to do over again.  Perhaps it will be helpful for others who haven’t been there yet.

First, I think doctoral students in the 21st century need a fresh mindset when they begin doctoral studies, namely that a PhD is a route into one or more careers. A PhD is the basic qualification for tenure track academic work, but it is far more than that.  The job market being what it is, everyone should have plans A, B, C, D, and perhaps others, in mind.  What is more, you must be passionate about all of them because it is a real, live possibility that you will end up on an unexpected route. Can you envision yourself with a fulfilling career in areas B, C, D? People often refer to these as back up plans–and I suppose it is OK to use that trite phrase–but they should not be jobs one would settle for. Plans B, C, D, etc… should be alternate paths that enable you to follow your passion(s).  Yes, this requires one to think creatively about how to use your talents and to be broad minded about your passions.  But, if you’re clever, curious, and creative enough to do a PhD in any field, you are absolutely capable of finding more than one job that will let you pursue your passion(s).

If you haven’t considered this possibility yet, then I strongly encourage you to take some time to think it through. As a highly trained researcher you are essentially an independent contractor.  People often fail to recognize this about tenured university lecturers, but it is true.  How could it be otherwise in a job where 50% or more of your ‘responsibilities’ (i.e., research and publishing) are determined by your own curiosities and achieved largely by your independent work?  Academics are, de facto, entrepreneurs.  Embrace that trait.  Think like an entrepreneur and identify needs that you are uniquely qualified to meet.  Perhaps that need is for a university lecturer, but it can also be in a non-profit, a corporation, or a government agency. You, and you alone, are responsible for imagining the things you might do with your PhD.  Accounting for the statistical reality of the academic job market, you’re foolish not to have one or more non-academic alternatives in mind.

Though you alone are responsible for doing this, you should not be alone in doing it.  Hence point two: talk to lots of people and read various things about what you can do with a doctorate.  As the job market grows more and more bleak in academia, lots of people have developed such lists.  Some are sanguine about this task, others less so.  I’m not advocating a particular attitude about working outside academia with a PhD, but I am an unequivocally pragmatic person who thinks that you should think openly about what you might do with your PhD. Here are few things that can stimulate your thinking in this area:

http://phdsatwork.com/

http://mediacommons.futureofthebook.org/alt-ac/

http://howtoleaveacademia.com/

Look at these kind of lists… hard.  Daydream about what your life would be like in a number of careers.  Make a list of the jobs that are attractive to you.  Talk to people who know something about those jobs.  Ask them lots of questions.  Lots.  You’re a researcher; do what you do best.  Then, move to step three.

Third, find a mentor in each potential area.  A mentor, to me, is someone you can speak with openly and honestly about your talents and interests and, importantly, is someone who has the time to meet/talk with you two or more times a year for at least one hour each time.  They must be honest with you in return.  A mentor is not someone primarily interested to recruit you into their field or their company because they have to be someone who will tell you, if it is true, that you would be rubbish at what they do.  A mentor provides you real-life insight about a job you’ve never had.  They will encourage you to discover what your unique combination of talents and interests equip you to do well. Mentors are worth their weight in gold.

By finding mentors aligned to the various career paths you might follow, you will keep a level head about your options.  You’ll also have living, breathing reminders that people live fulfilling lives outside academia.  This is astoundingly easy to forget when you spend 60 hours (or more) a week interacting solely with people in universities.  They are, lest anyone forget, not the norm.  At a minimum, sustained interaction with these mentors will make you more aware of what is happening in the world.  That is not a waste of your time.

Fourth, and finally, if a tenure track academic job is your plan A, make certain that your pursuit of that goal incorporates activities that make you a desirable candidate in other careers as well.  Plan a conference; find a way to manage a team of people; speak with and teach non-academic audiences; collaborate with a civic organization on your research; apply for funding from an outside organization. All of these can enhance an academic CV, but they also demonstrate the ‘transferable skills’ necessary to support a non-academic resume.

Why should you follow my advice on this issue? I’m not sure you should, but let me offer one reason why by way of another more autobiographical note.  Prior to my graduate studies I was a management consultant and an IT project manager for over 5 years.  The things that made me successful in the so-called ‘corporate world’ are the same things that helped me land an academic post: taking ownership of my career; thinking like an entrepreneur even when I work for someone else; identifying successful people, asking them lots of questions, and listening to what they say; finding a job that allows me to do things I’m passionate about, regardless of its title and pay.

In sum, my advice is to back-up regularly.  Just like that external hard drive with a recent copy of your thesis on it (you do have one of those, don’t you?), I hope that you’ll never need plans B, C, D, or E.  I hope that you find your doctorate is the next step along the road to excelling in plan A. Still, be shrewd: have alternatives and know what they require.

Casey Strine is a Vice-Chancellor’s Fellow and Lecturer in Hebrew Bible at the University of Sheffield. You can find his website at www.caseystrine.com.

Job Search · Patience

REPOST: Once Upon a Time, I Was A Planner

-written by ML, a current graduate wife

When it comes to short term things I’m pretty spontaneous, but in life I’m a planner. I might decide when I wake up to go to a museum that day, but I want to know where I’ll be at this time next year. Needless to say not knowing where we’ll be next month is really taking its toll.

I didn’t freak out around October when the other wives started to, “I can roll with not knowing until January” I said. But… it’s May! Not just May, the middle of May! Not all of the jobs my husband applied for are academic. I didn’t think about it at the time, but that means while others secured their faculty and postdoc positions last winter, we’re just now getting emails saying his application wasn’t discarded with the first round and in a few months they’ll have a short list.

But, but, but, we need to know if we should renew our lease for another year soon. What if we renew and then have to move? What if we don’t and move in with someone while we wait and then he doesn’t get any of them? What if we pay for a move to crash in someone’s basement and then have to move to a totally different area for a job?  What will we do financially?

This has done something interesting to my planner mind. This has caused me to plan and stress out about five hypothetical situations, ready to put into action the one we’ll need: If we move there we’ll be poorer than we are now, but if we move there we will need a second car, but if we move there I won’t be able to find work…

I bought guards for teeth grinding. I stopped going to department social events because I just can’t tell the same people over and over “No, we still don’t know, just like we didn’t know last week, just like we didn’t know the week before.”

We have a back-up plan, but even that is stressful when you don’t know if or when you’ll need it and that you probably won’t be happy doing it. I’ve written before about how we don’t like it here, yet the prospect of a term job here has helped quell my panic attacks to one per week when I think about the things I’ll miss when (if?) we leave. It helps to talk about it to each other. We haven’t solved anything yet but bouncing ideas off each other instead of bottling it up helps. Telling my parents not to ask me about it every single day helped.  Getting caught up in a book helps.

I don’t have any insightful answers to this. I don’t have an “it all worked out” ending yet. It’s not an easy life we chose, but given the option I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

As a graduate wife, how do you deal with uncertainty? If you’re a planner, how do you deal with not being able to plan ahead?

Job Search · Patience

Once Upon a Time, I Was A Planner

-written by ML, a current graduate wife

When it comes to short term things I’m pretty spontaneous, but in life I’m a planner. I might decide when I wake up to go to a museum that day, but I want to know where I’ll be at this time next year. Needless to say not knowing where we’ll be next month is really taking its toll.

I didn’t freak out around October when the other wives started to, “I can roll with not knowing until January” I said. But… it’s May! Not just May, the middle of May! Not all of the jobs my husband applied for are academic. I didn’t think about it at the time, but that means while others secured their faculty and postdoc positions last winter, we’re just now getting emails saying his application wasn’t discarded with the first round and in a few months they’ll have a short list.

But, but, but, we need to know if we should renew our lease for another year soon. What if we renew and then have to move? What if we don’t and move in with someone while we wait and then he doesn’t get any of them? What if we pay for a move to crash in someone’s basement and then have to move to a totally different area for a job?  What will we do financially?

This has done something interesting to my planner mind. This has caused me to plan and stress out about five hypothetical situations, ready to put into action the one we’ll need: If we move there we’ll be poorer than we are now, but if we move there we will need a second car, but if we move there I won’t be able to find work…

I bought guards for teeth grinding. I stopped going to department social events because I just can’t tell the same people over and over “No, we still don’t know, just like we didn’t know last week, just like we didn’t know the week before.”

We have a back-up plan, but even that is stressful when you don’t know if or when you’ll need it and that you probably won’t be happy doing it. I’ve written before about how we don’t like it here, yet the prospect of a term job here has helped quell my panic attacks to one per week when I think about the things I’ll miss when (if?) we leave. It helps to talk about it to each other. We haven’t solved anything yet but bouncing ideas off each other instead of bottling it up helps. Telling my parents not to ask me about it every single day helped.  Getting caught up in a book helps.

I don’t have any insightful answers to this. I don’t have an “it all worked out” ending yet. It’s not an easy life we chose, but given the option I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

As a graduate wife, how do you deal with uncertainty? If you’re a planner, how do you deal with not being able to plan ahead?

Moving

Costly Dreams

Today’s blog post comes from Carol Stratton, author of ‘Changing Zipcodes: Finding Community Wherever You’re Transplanted.‘  Carol is a veteran mover (22 times!) and has written articles for The Grand Rapids Press, Zionsville Times Sentinel newspapers as well as Purpose, The Christian Communicator, Fandangle, In Touch, Women’s Touch, Your Church and Forsyth Woman magazines and has reviewed books for the Christian Book Previews. She won the 2005 Paper Cottage “Smart Women” Essay contest and has taught at The Write-to-Publish Conference and at the CLASS Christian Writers Conference. She has kindly agreed to share one of her stories from her new book with The Graduate Wife. You can find more information about moving tips and moving stories from her website: http://www.changingzipcodes.com.

Living in South Lake Tahoe, California seemed like a dream location for a new job. My husband and I had the Sierra Nevada Mountains in our backyard and one of the most beautiful lakes in the world only a few miles down the road. When my husband accepted a position managing a camp, I knew we’d hit pay dirt. I pictured us taking leisurely days off to hike the trails, boat the turquoise lake, and explore abandoned gold mine towns. In winter we’d ski down the powdery slopes.

Reality quickly slammed us. My husband worked almost seven days a week, on call like a country doctor. He faced strong-willed staff members, a flu epidemic that almost shut the camp down, an overturned boat (with the threat of the boater going into hypothermia), and a health department inspection…all within the first four months. Throw that together with my becoming pregnant with bad morning-sickness and my rose-colored view of his job turned gray from stress and led to exhaustion for both of us. Suddenly those snow-capped mountains didn’t matter much. I missed seeing my husband as I craved an opportunity for him to have a day off.

Sometimes our dreams collide with practical life. We were newlyweds when we took the camp job, but before we left the area for a new job, I gave birth to a 7 week early son. Our Tahoe experience taught us that we, as a couple, need to really think things through before we pull up stakes and jump into a new career. Though we both tend to come out high on the “craving adventure and change scale,” we’ve learned through hard experiences to take time to research and understand the impact a move will make on our family. Planning and analyzing is essential. Seriously scrutinizing a possible move may save us money and heartache down the road. We ended up moving to another state and couldn’t sell our home for eighteen months. That particular dream cost us a lot of dollars.

Are you considering a move state to state or even just a change of houses in your town? There is a story in the Bible that reminds us that when a man decides to build a tower he first counts the cost. How will this possible relocation affect the emotional, financial, educational, and social needs of your family? Trust me; sometimes it’s easier to ask these questions before a move, not after one.

Taken from Changing Zip Codes: Finding Community Wherever You’re Transplanted, published by Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas Available through Amazon.