written by Michelle – a former graduate wife
In the summer heat, my boys are restless and roaming the house looking for their next adventure. Hoping to provide some direction for their boundless energy, my sister asks if we would help her transplant some potted plants.
“Yeah! Digging and dirt!” shouts one.
“I want to hold the hose!” chimes in the other as he sprints out to the back patio.
She brings a basket of plants outside that have grown too big for their original pots. Browning and overcrowded, they clearly need more dirt, fresh nutrients . . . something to bring new life back into withering leaves.
My boys hover over pots and sacks of Miracle-Gro. Soon, clay pots are filled with new soil and small shovels loosen plants from old containers, their roots twisted and tangled together. The perfectly pot-sized clumps of roots are placed in spacious pots and new dirt secures them in place. My younger boy comes by with a miniature watering can to finish the job.
This small bit of gardening took all of ten minutes, but now as I sit in the evening quiet, my thoughts come back to this transplanting idea. I am thinking about how many times my family has been transplanted during the course of my husband’s studies. I am remembering what it was like to tell our kids we were moving again and how we attempted to guide them through the transitions.
Even my rowdy 3 and 7 year old boys can transfer a strong, established plant to a new pot with a little bit of focus, but it can be difficult to move a seedling successfully. Moving children is a lot like attempting to transplant seedlings. Their roots are tiny, fragile white threads and they never seem to balance properly in the new pot. We moved five different times during our graduate journey and each time friends and family were keen to reassure us: “Oh, don’t worry – kids are so resilient! Especially at such young ages!” or “Kids pick up new languages almost instantly. They soak it up like a sponge. ” And yet, each time we moved, my children did struggle. And learning a new language and going to school in that language was hard work for my older son. After a few moves, I began to be of the opposite mind as my well-intentioned advice givers. I came to realize that my children actually do hear and understand and feel a lot more than I sometimes realize. Especially because they are fragile and not fully formed (much like seedlings), my boys need to be given opportunities to process what is happening if they are going to transition without problems. So, in this piece I would like to explore ways we can help our children during a move or major transition. Some ideas come from what we have tried in our own family and I have also added some ideas from the moving chapter of the book Third Culture Kids.
1) Introducing the Idea of Moving
a) Before our most recent move, my husband set up a series of bedtime chats with our sons (then 5 and 1) in which he told them about “God’s special plan” for our family. We told the boys that we felt that God was directing us to move in order to follow His special plan. We also had a night in which we talked about the fact that God has a special plan for each of their lives and God may be using some of our travels to prepare them for their futures. These chats were given in bite-sized pieces they could understand, usually with a map nearby and time for their questions.
b) We marked on a map where we lived (Germany) and where we were moving (England). In order to create some excitement, we tried to make lists of things the children might like about our new city. If possible, it is great to find pictures of the school the children will attend or pictures of the house/apartment that you will live in and its surrounding neighborhood.
c) Read books about moving and talk about how the different characters might feel. Try to find one with clear pictures of what happens during the packing up of an old house, the unpacking at new house, saying goodbye to old friends, making new friends, etc.
d) For very small children, it can be helpful to play “moving games” in order to just introduce them to what a move is. We did this some with our youngest in our last move a couple of weeks before we left. I gave him a couple of empty boxes and we would pack up toys and move them to the next room and unpack them, explaining that this is what we were going to do later with all of our stuff. Also, during all the events that precede a move and happen during a move, it is good for the parents to “frame” what is happening: “Look, Daddy and his friend are putting the boxes in the van. They will bring all of your toys safely to your new room. Just like our game!” or “We are waving goodbye to our old house. We will have a picture of it in our photo album, but now we are going to live in our new house.” When things get busy, it is easy to forget to include our young children in what is happening by framing it in words they can understand.
2) Giving a Sense of Closure
a) As it got closer to our moving date, we wanted the kids to have a chance to think about all the people in our current home who have been important to them (church leaders, teachers, friends, neighbors, family members, etc.) and also the places we have been that have been meaningful.
i) People: Children can write notes of appreciation, draw pictures for special people, or think about leaving a special momento with a close friend or family member
ii) Places that hold important memories: Visiting these places one last time, reminiscing, and getting a special photo or hiding a treasure or note to hopefully find again there someday.
3) Easing the Actual Transition
a) Use of “sacred objects”: For some of us who are making international moves, it is just not possible to take much with us. How do you deal with this? We met one family who had a policy we really liked. Though they moved often, they made sure they always kept a few of their children’s most valued possessions: some quilts their grandmother had made them and some special dishes made for them by a friend. The quilts were unpacked first thing and spread over the beds and then their dishes were set out, helping to create a feeling of “home” for them. Though the quilts were bulky and the family was sometimes very limited on space, these “sacred objects” were always a priority. Having a set of “sacred objects” as they are called in Third Culture Kids helps to give the kids some stability.
b) Keep as many family rituals in place as possible – Keep the days and weeks as normal as you can.
c) Plan for a period of misbehavior and general adjustment. You, as the parent, are going to need to give a lot emotionally and the kids are going to need you more than normal. Their behavior is almost guaranteed to be crazy for a while. Give them grace – moving can be even harder for little ones who had no control in the decision that has resulted in their entire world changing. Keep close tabs on how kids are doing emotionally – you will be very busy and overtired but keep your eye on signs that something might be off with them. Help them to name feelings and provide acceptable outlets to express feelings.
d) Make contact with some other families in the area or at the same school as soon as possible (in advance if you’re lucky enough to have the opportunity!) Don’t expect your new community to initiate having a relationship with you – be prepared to go out and actively seek out community for your family.
e) One way we have eased the transition for our family is by sending my husband ahead first. When we moved to Germany, he drove our possessions to our new apartment with a friend a few days before we arrived. It made a big difference for our five year old, because when he first saw his new room it was completely unpacked with all of his familiar toys out and favorite posters on the walls. Instead of a weird feeling of not belonging in a small white-walled, empty room, he seemed to feel at peace and slept alone in that room on the first night. It also helped lessen the stress for me because before our arrival my husband could purchase some preliminary groceries and a map and scout out the neighborhood.
f) For those of you who are moving internationally, I strongly urge you to learn all you can about the language and culture ahead of time. Of course, no matter how much you prepare, you will still be learning a lot as you go through life in your new country. Your children can learn a lot by watching how you handle the experience. Describe how you are feeling about learning all these new things. Present it as an exciting new adventure, but acknowledge that it can be overwhelming at times and that’s normal and okay to feel that way. Try to laugh at your mistakes and move forward so the children know that when they make mistakes, they can learn from them and move on without feeling ashamed.
Taking some time to put some of these ideas in place (and maybe add to them with some of your own!) can really make a difference in how your children react to a move. We all hope that our kids, if they must be transplanted to a new place, will adjust to the soil and be able to drink deeply of the water and nutrients that a new experience can offer them. With a little bit of planning and effort, you can help give them the best possible start.
In your graduate wife journey, how have you prepared your children to move to another country, city, or state? Did you do anything specifically?