Category: Children

Academia Beyond Grad School · Children · Marriage

This is my Story: Part I

thegraduatewife1 Comment

Written by Carolyn – a former graduate wife

.

The below story is shared with us from a former graduate wife.  Her story has been challenging, encouraging and intriguing for us to read, as we have realized just how powerful and difficult it would be to try and capture our own graduate wife stories in words. Clearly her entire story couldn’t be written out…or that have taken weeks to share, but she has summarized her graduate wife journey below as best she could.  We hope her testimony and chronological journey speaks hope and courage as you look to your future (as it did to us) as many pages lay before each of us yet unwritten…

NOTE:  I fell in love with my husband because he hung around libraries, loved laughing and had a heart for God.  Our story could be filled with all the wonderful and zany times we had during our graduate life, but the below focuses on other issues.

Joe and I met in Vienna, Austria, where I worked, and married in Massachusetts, where I grew up.  Then we moved to Oxford, England, where Joe’s graduate career was already in progress.  England and Oxford were beautiful and we enjoyed taking walks around the city, visiting small villages where cream teas were heavenly and soaking up the atmosphere and architecture.

Joe’s adjustment to marriage in his already established routine seemed minimal; mealtimes definitely were upgraded from a regular bowl of tomato soup to meat, vegetables and dessert.  My adjustment took longer, understandable in part to having been an independent woman until I was 30+.  ( In the first few months, I took some walks by myself and wondered where I could stay for a night…)

Joe’s area of interest was philosophy and while we were courting in Vienna, he had talked of his academic desires and struggles, which stemmed from having been persuaded by one of his tutors that the topic that he originally had chosen to pursue was not really worthwhile.  He moved on to another area and soon discovered that he held views radically at odds with positions espoused by the academic establishment.  It was a time of extreme loneliness intellectually and yet incredibly stimulating mentally.

While this was happening in Joe’s academic life, I unexpectedly became pregnant.  I had a great job at a company that produced risk-assessment studies for multi-national corporations and my paycheck was the sole income for our existence.  Joe quickly realized that he would have to finish earlier than expected, and it put tremendous pressure on him.

We were blessed with many friends and well-supplied older mothers with all kinds of baby clothes and equipment, all of which we borrowed.  Our wonderful baby girl was born at the end of February, and we looked forward to Joe’s defense of his thesis for a degree at the end of the academic year and to returning to the United States soon after.

On two fronts, things quickly fell apart.  Blissfully happy to be pregnant, I hadn’t read the literature carefully about postpartum depression (PPD), which took up residence in my life.  Tears were ever-present for two long months while my hormones seesawed back to normal.

At the same time, Joe’s thesis draft was extensively marked up by his advisor and Joe had to race to revise the manuscript in time for the defense date.  While requiring an inordinate amount of work in the short term, this critique proved to be the beginning of a sharper, simpler writing style.  Joe received his M. Litt. degree and we prepared to leave England with a beautiful baby girl.

In mid-June when our worldly goods were packed into tea crates, we said goodbye to Oxford and friends and flew to Boston, MA.  My parents housed us for one month to enjoy their grand-daughter while we waited for the tea crates to arrive.  We expected to move on to Joe’s parents’ city to look for work later in the summer.  One day, my mother received a telephone call, and the man calling asked to speak with Joe.  As they talked, my mother realized that her son-in-law would have a teaching job at a small liberal-arts college.

Joe was offered a one-year adjunct teaching job of two philosophy courses per semester.  To say we were grateful to God is an understatement.  Through friends in that area, we found a free semi-furnished place to stay ninety minutes away from the college and moved our small amount of worldly goods there.  We unpacked the tea crates, threw them away and settled in.  Within three weeks, the owner of the property decided to sell the place and asked us to move out, effective immediately.  We moved to within ten minutes of the college, but had no furniture until my parents and others locally donated a generous amount of necessary items – double bed, dining room table and chairs, a couch, extra chairs, etc. (We had baby furniture already provided.)  In order to survive, Joe worked 2 other jobs (cleaning services in the evenings) while I stayed home with our daughter.  I don’t remember eating out at a restaurant during this time, and buying a pizza for $5.00 one night was quite a treat.

It took me six months to adjust to being back in the US; I was so homesick for England and the familiarity of friends and shops.  In that time, Joe applied and was accepted for Ph.D. work at a university in another state.  Again we moved – I was an expert by now with packing!   Thank God for married student housing.  One can live under the government poverty level and still have a life.  After working in the university library for a few months and two weeks in a State Farm office, I settled on being a care-giver for our daughter and other people’s children and enjoyed being a second mother to many children.

Joe was looking forward to the rigor of full academic study again, but without the adversarial environment that he had experienced at Oxford.  However, he was greatly disappointed when he was unable to find anyone among fellow grad students and faculty members who were sympathetic with his views.  After being at the university for two years and hearing how another grad student had been recognized in some way for his work, we came home from campus and Joe broke down at lunchtime, sobbing.  It frightened our daughter and she immediately drew a picture for Daddy to cheer him up.  When recognition doesn’t come, after hours spent diligently reading, studying, thinking, writing, discussing, showing up for department events and spending time on endless department requirements, where does one find the will to go on?

Balanced Life? · Children

What Does a Balanced Life Look Like?

thegraduatewife9 Comments

Written by Laura Lee – a current graduate wife

Summer is melting away faster than the popsicle I’ve been enjoying in the sunshine today. Time to think of a new season and fresh starts!  Giddy with the possibility of new, the resolutions begin. I find myself rattling off my usual list of all the aspects of my life I want to keep in balance. I welcome the opportunity to plan how “this term, we can get our act together.” Ha. I am starting to wonder what this elusive balance actually looks like.

Just google “balance” and you find oodles of crazy images of superhuman feats. Check out the photos above, for example.

These amazing yet completely superfluous feats of Chinese circus performers perfectly demonstrate that balance doesn’t equal simplicity.  These images struck me as a propos to this season of my life and the stress of keeping the plates spinning, not sure of which I can actually put down without the whole number coming to a crash.

Sure, everything is in balance (at least some of the time), but do I want my life to be in balance in a Chinese acrobat kind of way? Certainly the life of a graduate wife has its demands, but proper limits have a place, too. This is my plea for a simple life.

My husband is working while pursuing a doctorate full-time in Oxford. I’m a WAHM with a toddler and one on the way. I moonlight as a marketing consultant for two different companies while the baby sleeps. My family has a bizarre habit of wanting to eat everyday. Life is full.

But it’s not those occupational demands or our circumstances that make our days crazy or calm. I’m beginning to realize that peace and simplicity is a choice, not something that is handed to you—or not.

It’s in the attitudes I choose, the inspiration I uncover or ignore, the priorities and thoughts and conversations I pick to fill those moments and those hours that make the majority of my days, and—essentially—who I am.

Sure, it’s fun for people to ask “How do you do it all?” and feel some sense of accomplishment from the sheer number of things we are tackling in life right now. But we need to evaluate if we are carrying around more than is necessary– bordering on the ridiculous.  If so, what are my motivations. Approval? Security? Identity?

I’ve had the sense lately that I’ve been striving—but after what? To keep the plates spinning? I’ve done some serious evaluating of what things might need to go, what things I could do more efficiently, or by someone else, or in a simpler way. I want to strive after the things that  matter most to me—not just struggle to survive.

Do I really want my life to be a constant circus act, “in balance” but just barely, always flirting with dramatic collapse if one thing goes awry? I want to find the kind of balance that doesn’t call for a gaudy pink costume and isn’t performed for the sake of wowing the crowd. A grounded life, at home with my God and who He made me to be. Yes, I suppose I will need to keep at least some of the plates spinning, but I will try to cut back on the acrobatics.

I’m going to need help. I have no idea, really, how to simplify my life. In fact, on any given day, I have more things I’d like to add to it–a new friend I want to meet, a new language I want to learn, a place I want to visit, a book I want to write. There’s just not enough life to fit it all in at once. So, no easy solutions here. Just trying to keep it all in balance.

I’ve asked a few of my wise graduate wife friends how they manage to streamline their lives, in hopes of some inspiration. I life-hacked my way into their kitchens and day planners and daydreams in search of a few versions of normal. Their practical ideas for making life flourish on a daily basis encouraged me and I look forward to sharing some of their responses with you in the following weeks.

How do you do simplify life and keep your priorities in balance?

Celebrate! · Children

Celebrate. II

thegraduatewife2 Comments

Heeding Mandy’s call to celebrate…I want to celebrate today because my daughter knows my name.  She calls me ‘mumma’, with the sweetest little voice and the slightest hint of a British accent (well almost).   She has been saying it for a while, like when I pick her up from the nursery at church or when she wanders into the kitchen and finds me cooking.  She definitely can recognize me, but it wasn’t until just last week that it was like she really got it.

She looked up at me, touched my cheek with her soft hand and said ‘mumma’.  She smiled from ear to ear and seemed so pleased with herself.  All day she kept saying it again and again and I felt my heart melt when she said ‘mumma’ and ‘dade’ repeatedly as we were both getting her ready for bed.

It is definitely the little things.  Celebrating the moments that make up our busy lives… the moments that bring us to life in the process.  This is such a wonderful challenge on this graduate wife journey.  Many times we get caught up in the big picture (where are we moving, where will we get a job, how can I support my husband during this hard time, etc.) and we lose sight of the beauty in the every day.

So, here’s to celebrating your identity and someone knowing, trusting and delighting in your name.

-M.C.

What are you celebrating today?

Beauty and the Budget · Children

Party for Pennies: A 1st birthday party

thegraduatewife4 Comments

Written by Vanessa – a current graduate wife

Hosting parties can be a very expensive and time-consuming task. As a young mom and graduate wife, you might not have the finances and energy to decorate, cook, and clean up for special occasions.  You might convince yourself that someday, when you graduate from your role now, you will host elaborate parties and gather to celebrate the ones you love.

 I have learned from my time as a graduate wife (4 years and counting!) that now is that time to make those memories, and you don’t have to spend a fortune to do it.

1.  Discovering Your Theme

In my home, we recently celebrated my daughter’s first birthday.  Making it to a year with an infant, now toddler, is an incredible milestone!  I began brainstorming themes months ahead.  I ended up choosing a “garden party” theme, mostly because we live in England and it would be a sweet way to remember where she spent the first year of her life.  Also, we live in a flat that is surrounded by a garden (convenience-check! free- check!).

The best resource for finding a theme is thinking about what you and your child enjoy.  Do you enjoy animals at the zoo together?  Do a circus theme.  Do you enjoy reading a particular book before bed? Do a Dr. Seuss theme.  Do you and your child enjoy a particular activity? Do a sports theme.  Obviously, the options are limitless. I encourage you to take a look at your daily life and find your inspiration!


2.  Researching Your Theme

Google is incredibly useful for this next step (or BING, whatever your flavor), but organizing inspiration can be messy.  I recommend registering with a site such as Delicious or Digg.  Once you have a theme, you can begin searching particular keywords.  I often veer over to the ‘image’ search results.  Go ahead, give it a try: choose one keyword for a theme that you have in mind and see what kind of inspiration you come up with!

When I search “garden party”, I see a lot of different elements: bunting (triangular garlands made of fabric or paper), flowers, tea style foods, etc.  This is where I begin to hone my theme into a workable plan.  I find photos that I like and bookmark them.  When using Delicious or Digg, be as descriptive as possible when saving bookmarks to save on time and confusion later (who knows, you might find inspiration for another party such as baby showers!).  Use helpful keywords: ‘child’s name’ first birthday, pink, purple, flowers, food type, etc.  Additionally, there are hundreds of sites on the Internet that are devoted to party planning.  Take advantage of the themes and ideas on these sites.  Some of my favorite sites include marthastewart.com and hostessblog.com

Bookmark everything that inspires you- whether it is a photo, tutorial, or free printable.


3.  Choosing the Elements of Your Theme

Hopefully you have found a lot of helpful design elements and inspiration during your web search.  In this step, you will begin to choose the elements that you want to use for your party.

To save money on decor, you can use a helpful DIY tutorial on the Internet.  This step will be the most time intensive.  You will want to give yourself a month or two to complete these crafts and design elements.

Schedule your décor DIY’s during the month or two before the party and make achievable goals.  Write down which days you will designate for each task. For example, I would give myself 3 evenings to accomplish one task (bonus- this gives your dear hubby a chance to catch up on some much needed research!).  I found it helpful to be in the same room as him, listing to NPR or music, while I did my crafts. It felt like we were spending time together, but still accomplishing our goals.

To give you some inspiration, here are a few examples of some of the DIY projects that I did for the ‘garden party’ theme (that are interchangeable for any party!):

Cupcake Rack– composed of two plates and a tin can wrapped in a rectangular piece of scrapbook paper

Cupcake Wrappers- made with a rectangular piece of scrapbook paper

.

..

.

.

.

..

Printable Bunting– labeled with ‘Happy Birthday’ (there will be a free downloadable template at the end of this post!)..

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

.

Cake Bunting- small triangles strung on wooden dowels

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sandwich Flags (found here)

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Menu Labels (found here) by adding text in photoshop, but you could easily just write in it.

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Have fun with this process, but don’t allow it to overwhelm you.  Remember, keep things simple and make achievable goals.

4. Watching Your Theme in Action

The big day has come!  Make a schedule for the days leading up to the party- for example, which food to prepare ahead of time, when to setup, who can help, etc. I purposely designated preparation and setup during my daughter’s nap times so that my hands were free to work.  I didn’t have an overwhelming amount of food prep, but I did prepare most of it during the first nap (except for the cupcakes- which I prepared the night before and iced in the morning).

I also planned a few simple activities for our guest.  We had crochet available (very English!) and kites for the children to fly.  Another suggestion would be a craft for the children to do.

Find some friends who can help you with tasks during the party. For example, ask that friend with that amazing camera to take pictures of the guests and details.  Maybe someone can film your child taking her first bites of sugar coated icing and cake.

Don’t worry about a flawless presentation, but greet and enjoy your guests!  And if something about your food or décor goes awry, let it go.  Your child won’t even notice (and I bet your guests won’t either).

Freebie:  Downloadable Bunting Template

 

On your graduate wife journey, have you found any other tips for creating parties or hosting events for pennies? 

Children · Faith · Moving · Patience · Sacrifice

Little House on the…

thegraduatewife6 Comments

Written by Michelle – a former graduate wife

Baths are done, pajamas are on, and teeth are brushed, so our boys cuddle up on our laps to listen to a chapter of a bedtime story.  Right now, we are starting the third book in the Little House series.  During last night’s reading, our eldest son realized that the little girl named Laura in the story is actually Laura Ingalls Wilder, the author.  We thought about the fact that our six-year-old son, who has moved five times and lived in four countries, probably already has enough material to create his own series.  My husband and I laughed as we suggested possible titles for each book in our own Little House series, a series that begins with my first year as a graduate wife.  Here are the titles we came up with and descriptions supplied afterward by me:

Little House on the Golf Course                                                                                                    Naperville, IL

A young married couple discovers that God has His own surprising plans as they face an unexpected pregnancy and Dad not getting into ay doctoral schools.  Will their brand new marriage survive the shock and loud pelting of golf balls on the windows?

Little Town near the Big City                                                                                                                     Glen Ellyn, IL

This year Dad is accepted to doctoral schools, but which will he choose? He must decide between attending an American university (fully funded) or following God’s leading to schools that have little funding and are an ocean away from family and friends.

By the Shores of the Sea                                                                                                                                    St. Andrews, Scotland

This year finds the family in a community of new friends in the wild, rugged beauty of Scotland.  Dad begins his doctorate, but just as they are settling in, unanticipated news makes it clear that another move is on the horizon. 

Two Rooms of Damp and Mold                                                                                                               Oxford, England

Did Mom and Dad make a mistake in bringing their family to Oxford for Dad’s studies?  Dad is exquisitely happy wearing flowing black robes at the University, but their housing situation is so difficult Mom is not sure she can manage.  During Mom’s second pregnancy doctors are convinced that something is wrong, yet she feels that the baby is healthy.  When the baby is ready to be born, the midwife, the doula, nor the paramedics arrive in time.   Will they welcome another member into their family safely?

On the Banks of the Rhine                                                                                                                          Bonn, Germany

With two healthy boys, the family settles into a new home in another new country.  The eldest son works hard to learn enough German to participate in school.  Mom finds her way through a new city on public transportation in German with two little ones.  She struggles to know how to support her eldest son who is floundering amidst all the transitions.  Dad finishes his doctorate, finds work at the university, and spends many months applying to jobs.  Uncertainty about the future weighs heavily upon them all . . . .

Little House by Donnington Bridge                                                                                                         Oxford, England

After holding their breaths through over 50 applications, the whole family rejoices when Dad receives a post-doc in Oxford.  Three years in one place!  What a tremendously gracious gift.  During this time of stability, Mom and Dad hope to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for whatever God has next for them.

Coming soon . . .

Little House in South America                                                                                                                  exact location TBA

Dad begins work as a missionary scholar and Mom and the boys enjoy their own set of new adventures. 

As you can see from this description of our travels, chasing this dream of my husband’s doctorate has not been straightforward.  We have spent a lot of time agonizing about the future with questions like these plaguing us:

–      Will we ever find real community?

–      How will we get our visas extended while we wait to hear about job applications?

–      Where is the money going to come from for tuition . . . rent . . . food?

–      What will we do if after this degree my husband cannot find any job?

And equally heart-wrenching are our children’s questions:

–      Will I spend my next birthday in this country or a new one?

–      Will I get to keep my best friend or do I have to meet a new best friend next year?

–      Will we ever live near our grandmas and grandpas?

Over the course of my time as a graduate wife, I have learned to hold my plans for our family very loosely. I have tried to stop myself from thinking that I am entitled to have advance notice about what will happen next.  Sometimes when I pray, I try to visualize placing the things that I am gripping with white knuckles (like my desire for my sons to have stability and security) into God’s ready and open hands.  I have to remind myself again and again that my fierce, protective love for my sons cannot compare to the strength of God’s love for them.

I am learning that life is made of up of small moments, and that if I spend my time just waiting for the next phase to come, I run the risk of missing something in store for me in the here and now.  I just started reading a book recommended by a friend called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.  That is my prayer for each of us graduate wives: that amidst all the uncertainty we face, we could embrace the change and live fully right where we are.

If you had to come up with a title for your graduate wife adventure, what would it be and why?  What would be the theme of your story?