Category: Patience

Expectations · Family · Inspiration · Marriage · Moving · Patience

The Glad Game

thegraduatewife1 Comment

                                                                                                                       written by Stephanie – a current graduate wife

The movie Pollyanna has forever been one of my all-time favorites.   Pollyanna played “The Glad Game,” and her eternal optimism infected everyone around her.  Even in the face of adversity, she believed that there was always SOMETHING you could find to be glad about.  I think we could all learn a little something from Miss Pollyanna Whittier. As a graduate wife, I have tried to adopt this philosophy as best I can.

My husband Josh is now amid his second year of medical school at St. George’s University in the Caribbean.   His first year was spent in Newcastle, England as part of the Global Scholars Program.   We had been married for only 4 weeks when we boarded that international plane to the United Kingdom.  Talk about a whirlwind first year.  It took me months to feel connected to anything and anyone in England and by the time it started to feel a little bit like “home,” it was time to uproot and move again, this time to the 22 mile long island of Grenada.   We will leave Grenada in May 2012 headed for hospital rotations in the States, but we won’t know exactly where we are going until weeks before we go.   Two years of rotations, God willing in the same place, will only be followed by a residency that will more than likely move us yet again.  I try to take each day as it comes, because thinking too far into the future only gives me a panic attack.  Not having a place that I can really call “home” is challenging.  I sometimes envy the graduate wives who get to, at the very least, stay in the same place for the duration of their husband’s schooling.

GLAD:  At only 25 years old, I am GLAD that I have had the opportunity to do this much traveling so early on in my life.   I’m GLAD that I get to experience all of these exotic places with my best friend.  It’s not a vacation like so many assume, but it IS a once in a lifetime experience.

Medical school is no walk in the park.  Josh studies ALL the time and there are many nights where I eat alone, watch romantic comedies by myself, and go to bed solo.  Date nights are often canceled because there just aren’t enough hours in the day to study.  Many holidays and birthday celebrations have to be put off because finals are only days away.  I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping.  I manage our finances, keep up with the financial aid paperwork, and stay in contact with our families and friends.  On my worst days, I feel like leaving and going home to California because after all, besides not having food in the fridge, a home cooked meal, or clean underwear, would he ever even notice I was gone?

GLAD:  I am GLAD that Josh is pursuing his dream of becoming a doctor and excelling in his classes, in part due to my support.  I am GLAD that having so much alone time has allowed me to take up hobbies that I always hoped I’d have time for.  I scrapbook, read, send letters to friends and family, exercise, participate in volunteer work, and started a blog! 

Most days of the year, we are thousands of miles away from our family and friends.  Last year we missed Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Easter, birthdays, friend’s weddings, family vacations, and so much more.  We see our families through Skype more often than we see them in person.   On top of that, we have nobody to run to when we are upset with each other, and nobody’s house to go to in order to get away for a little while.

GLAD:  There are times I am GLAD that we can’t run to anyone else when we are struggling with each other in our relationship.  It has forced us to work through our issues without the interference of our family and friends opinions.  When you live half way across the world from everyone you know, the only person to turn to is God and each other and because of that, our relationship has grown immensely this past year.

I didn’t go to graduate school.  Admittedly, this has been the hardest part for me in being a graduate wife.  There was a time when I was not going to be the graduate wife.   I was going to be the GRADUATE STUDENT.   I did all the work leading up to actually going to school.  I got my Bachelor’s Degree in Kinesiology.  I did over 2,500 hours of work in the field.  I applied to more than 15 doctorate programs, wrote 13 essays, got the recommendation letters, filled out the applications, took the GRE, paid the money to apply, and went to the interviews.  My hard work paid off.  I got in to a Doctorate of Physical Therapy program in Southern California.  I even paid the deposit to hold my spot for the August 2010 class.  But when Josh got into school and the decision had to be made whether or not to follow my soon-to-be husband to England, or to go to school myself, I made the decision to follow him.  Unfortunately, there are times when my resentment creeps up.  Moments when I think to myself, “What if I was in school right now?”  “What if I wasn’t following Josh around the world?”

GLAD: I am GLAD that I made the decision I made.  While being a physical therapist was my dream career, I reasoned that school would always be there if I wanted to go back, but I could NEVER get my first few years of marriage back.  Being on this journey with Josh has allowed us to become closer to one another than I ever could have imagined.  We are growing together.  Every week, I see subtle changes in us, changes that, if we weren’t physically together, would seem HUGE later on.   While my career aspirations might have thrived while I was in school, my marriage would have suffered.  And so I am GLAD that I’m here, on an island, growing and changing together with my husband.

Sometimes, as a medical school wife, it’s really challenging to find the GLAD in any given situation and on any given day.  But it is there.  It’s always there.  It might be a really small thing to be glad about, but if you look hard enough, you will find it.  If you can at least find a little bit of GLAD then it helps make the bad not so bad anymore.  Try to find the “Pollyanna” in yourself on a daily basis and I guarantee you will be a happier graduate wife because of it.

Do you ever find yourself playing “The Glad Game” in order to make dark days seem less dark?  If so, what do you find to be GLAD about?

Expectations · Moving · Patience

Beyond Expectations

thegraduatewife2 Comments

                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                   Written by Bess – a current graduate wife

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I’ve been thinking about expectations a lot lately and after reading Mandy’s post last week, here goes.

Before I was a Graduate Wife, I was a Military Spouse.  I married someone who had to move wherever the military told him.  I had to follow.  My career, friends, family all took a backseat to his job.  Our past couple of years looked something like this:

  • Pensacola, Florida—It sounded so dreamy to get married and move to the beach! How wrong I was.
  • Jacksonville, North Carolina—In the middle of nowhere.  Everyone kept telling me that I should be glad they at least had a Wal-Mart.  (words I never hope to hear again.) 
  • San Diego, California—Going from the east coast to the west coast was a huge culture shock, not to mention going from small town to big city.  I had my first child here and thankfully made some wonderful friends.
  • Norfolk, Virginia—I was furious to leave my beloved San Diego!  Soon after we arrived I tried to make the best of it and started a playgroup and made some friends right away.  We settled into a wonderful church and preschool family and had our second child here.
  • Oxford, England—Here is where the graduate wife journey began.  I have to say that overall, this move was the easiest, even though it was to a foreign country.  I have fallen into a town full of amazing people and am so thankful.

As you can see, I’ve been there, done that!  I’ve quit jobs I loved, left friends I loved, left houses I loved, and drove away crying from cities I loved.  I guess in many ways this year hasn’t been too difficult because it feels like I have become highly trained in many of the skills needed to survive as a Graduate Wife.  Some of the things I have learned along the way include:

  • Embrace a city, but never get too comfortable there.  It’s a hard balance to spread roots, but also be willing to pull them up when it’s time to move again if needed.
  • When you arrive in a new place, you need to find friends immediately!  Be proactive.  They will not come knocking on your door.
  • As much as your husband tells you that things will get easier at the next stage of life, they never really do.  You might as well figure out a way to be happy in whatever stage of life you are in.
  • Having kids far away from home is not easy, but it is possible.  Your nuclear family unit becomes very close.  Babysitters are a necessity.
  • When you move away, it’s much harder on the friends you left behind than it is on you.  They have the same life with a big you-sized hole in it.  You have a whole new life with lots of new friends to keep you busy.
  • It’s pretty darn cool having friends all over the world.
  • University towns are full of people who are interesting, smart, and eager to make new friends as well.  Take advantage of that!
  • You can live with way fewer belongings than you thought necessary.
  • Kids are resilient.  Moving to new towns, being on a budget, and traveling make them adaptable, interesting, and cool!
  • The world is really a small place.  Everywhere I go, I meet people with whom I can completely relate.

So back to expectations… you would think by now, I would have learned to “expect the unexpected.”  I still slip up.  I still catch myself thinking about where we could be right now if we hadn’t made the choices that have taken us all over the world.  Although it takes a while in my mind, I always come back to the conclusion that if we hadn’t started this journey, we would be really boring.  We would probably have stayed close to home.  We wouldn’t know much about all the different cultures we are grateful to know about now.  We wouldn’t have friends in South Africa, India, and Australia.  We might have close-minded ideas.  We might not have such interesting kids.  I might have the house of my dreams, the big car, the grandparents nearby, but I wouldn’t be as fabulous as I am now, living in student housing in a foreign country with no car.

So, my advice to you, my fellow graduate wife, is to go into your new situation with excitement and joy.  You will make amazing friends (remember to be proactive).  You will find people to relate to (even if it takes a while).  You will learn that you can easily love people who aren’t anything like you.  You will find that you actually don’t necessarily miss those expectations all that much (the big house, the big car, the country club.)  You will (hopefully and eventually) learn to love your fabulous, frugal, fulfilling life of a graduate student.  Even though you can’t control your life, even though you can’t predict the next month or even week, you can be grateful for the now and you can seize the opportunities around you.

In your graduate wife journey, how do you manage expectations?

Faith · Family · Inspiration · Marriage · Motherhood · Patience

A Graduate Degree in Suffering

thegraduatewife14 Comments
Written by Katherine – a former graduate wife
 
Just over 3 years ago, our lives were the normal but fabulous, “the world is our oyster” lives of a
broke graduate law student and his wife.  With a precious 6 month old baby boy, living in married
housing on Pepperdine’s Malibu campus with a view of the Pacific Ocean, tons of friends and pursuing our dreams, we thought life was perfect.  Then, our world was turned completely upside down. 

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I wrote this on April 22nd of this year (“Katherine Lived Day”).
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My husband, Jay wrote this around that time on his blog
(a beautiful memoir of our married student housing).
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This has all been very hard.  I am still in rehab today.  My husband has had to be both mommy and daddy, both husband and wife.  My mother is an almost full-time caregiver to my son.  I cannot drive and can only barely walk.  Read this and this about the hardest time from my ordeal.
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Interestingly enough so many cool things have come out of this, and we are extremely grateful for each and every blessing.  One of the biggest blessings has been this.  I get to do the work I feel I was created to do–to speak about Hope.  We cling to that hope every single day.  We may not ever understand why this happened to us, but we know and trust the God who does know–and that is enough.
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Thankfully, we are done with formal schooling of any kind and are enjoying real life, 
though if there were an honorary degree in
“Surviving and Thriving After Suffering and Trials”
we just might be awarded it…


Inspiration · Moving · Patience · Roles · Sacrifice · Trust · Vocation/Gifts/Calling

Pilgrim Call

thegraduatewife2 Comments

Written by Judy – a former graduate wife

Today I open the book of readings my husband gave me over 26 years ago—before we were married—and the author’s dedication reminds me of who I am: ‘For every pilgrim who yearns for God’

I am a pilgrim, though an unlikely one. When I was growing up, my family rarely traveled. We lived in the same house since I was four years old and the furthest we traveled was to a nearby campground for our vacations. We did not suffer from wanderlust.

So I think it came as a surprise to all of us when, at the age of seventeen, I became convinced that I was meant to go away from home for university. Far away. Three thousand miles away. And though I have been back for visits, and even married a man from the same state, I have never lived there again. In fact, I have never lived again in any of the nine cities (in three different countries) in which we have lived since getting married.

I could say I blame my husband for my vagabond state. He was a graduate student when I met him, and three graduate degrees and a job in academia later, all of our moves have been related to his career. But it wouldn’t be true to say that it is his fault. I knew before I met him that I was not called to stay in one place; I was called to ‘go’.

One of my favorite passages in the bible comes from Psalm 84. I can still remember reading it, before I had ever met my husband, and knowing that there was a message there for me: ‘Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage…They go from strength to strength…’ The Cambridge dictionary defines a pilgrim as ‘a person who makes a journey, which is often long and difficult, to a special place for religious reasons.’ I have made a journey, which has been long and sometimes difficult (and often amazing), to many special places because that is what I believe God has called me to do. I have set my heart on pilgrimage.

I say this, not because I think I am special—I believe we are all called by God to an amazing journey with Him—but because I think that unless you have a sense of calling, it is impossible to live the life of ‘sacrificial support’ that is the life of the wife of a graduate student.

I love that term, ‘sacrificial support’. I think it precisely embodies what it means to be the spouse of a graduate student. Because providing the support that a person who is pursuing a graduate degree needs does require sacrifice, often on a comprehensive scale: sacrifice in terms of career, income, children, family, home-making, personal pursuits, even attention and affection. It is not for the faint (or the selfish) of heart. And while in the early stages love for our spouse and a love of adventure may propel us along, there comes a day when the newness wears off and we begin to feel neglected and unappreciated and we wonder, ‘Is this what I signed up for?’ It’s then that we have the chance to truly understand the sacrificial part of the equation; it’s then that we have the chance to dig deep to find what we didn’t know we had.

Or not. I’ve seen graduate marriages fail, and others take a severe beating. This can be a very difficult road to travel. And while I don’t believe there is a formula for success, I do believe that it is essential to have a shared sense of call and vision, something larger than merely what this means to the interests and career path of the one who is studying, and something larger than the attitude ‘I’m letting you have your turn now so that I can have my turn later.’ There is no 50/50 in marriage. There is give and take; there is negotiation; but always there is sacrifice—on both parts, because that is what love is about.

So here I am, twenty-six years of marriage, fourteen moves of house and three (mostly) grown children later, looking back at the beginning of this adventure in ‘sacrificial support’. I had no idea what I was in for and it has not turned out anything like I’d expected. And I’m sure the adventure is not over. There have been wonderful experiences too numerous to count, and there have been difficulties I couldn’t have managed if I had not believed that this was all part of a bigger plan, part of a pilgrim call.

So I am very thankful for my pilgrim heart. I think it has helped me negotiate this sometimes difficult road. It has helped me to keep the big picture in view—that we are on a journey and that each stop along the way is just that, a stop; it is not the final destination. It is not the point at which I can say, ‘Well, that’s over. Now I can begin my life.’ Life is in the journey.

Words from a Michael Card song that I love:

There is a joy in the journey,
there’s a light we can love on the way.
There is a wonder and wildness to life,
and freedom for those who obey.

May we all experience joy in the journey; May we all experience the wonder and wildness of life and the freedom that comes from following our call.

As a graduate wife, did you ever feel ‘called’ to begin this graduate journey with your husband?  If so, how has that ‘call’ helped with your transition into this season of life? 

Children · Faith · Moving · Patience · Sacrifice

Little House on the…

thegraduatewife6 Comments

Written by Michelle – a former graduate wife

Baths are done, pajamas are on, and teeth are brushed, so our boys cuddle up on our laps to listen to a chapter of a bedtime story.  Right now, we are starting the third book in the Little House series.  During last night’s reading, our eldest son realized that the little girl named Laura in the story is actually Laura Ingalls Wilder, the author.  We thought about the fact that our six-year-old son, who has moved five times and lived in four countries, probably already has enough material to create his own series.  My husband and I laughed as we suggested possible titles for each book in our own Little House series, a series that begins with my first year as a graduate wife.  Here are the titles we came up with and descriptions supplied afterward by me:

Little House on the Golf Course                                                                                                    Naperville, IL

A young married couple discovers that God has His own surprising plans as they face an unexpected pregnancy and Dad not getting into ay doctoral schools.  Will their brand new marriage survive the shock and loud pelting of golf balls on the windows?

Little Town near the Big City                                                                                                                     Glen Ellyn, IL

This year Dad is accepted to doctoral schools, but which will he choose? He must decide between attending an American university (fully funded) or following God’s leading to schools that have little funding and are an ocean away from family and friends.

By the Shores of the Sea                                                                                                                                    St. Andrews, Scotland

This year finds the family in a community of new friends in the wild, rugged beauty of Scotland.  Dad begins his doctorate, but just as they are settling in, unanticipated news makes it clear that another move is on the horizon. 

Two Rooms of Damp and Mold                                                                                                               Oxford, England

Did Mom and Dad make a mistake in bringing their family to Oxford for Dad’s studies?  Dad is exquisitely happy wearing flowing black robes at the University, but their housing situation is so difficult Mom is not sure she can manage.  During Mom’s second pregnancy doctors are convinced that something is wrong, yet she feels that the baby is healthy.  When the baby is ready to be born, the midwife, the doula, nor the paramedics arrive in time.   Will they welcome another member into their family safely?

On the Banks of the Rhine                                                                                                                          Bonn, Germany

With two healthy boys, the family settles into a new home in another new country.  The eldest son works hard to learn enough German to participate in school.  Mom finds her way through a new city on public transportation in German with two little ones.  She struggles to know how to support her eldest son who is floundering amidst all the transitions.  Dad finishes his doctorate, finds work at the university, and spends many months applying to jobs.  Uncertainty about the future weighs heavily upon them all . . . .

Little House by Donnington Bridge                                                                                                         Oxford, England

After holding their breaths through over 50 applications, the whole family rejoices when Dad receives a post-doc in Oxford.  Three years in one place!  What a tremendously gracious gift.  During this time of stability, Mom and Dad hope to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for whatever God has next for them.

Coming soon . . .

Little House in South America                                                                                                                  exact location TBA

Dad begins work as a missionary scholar and Mom and the boys enjoy their own set of new adventures. 

As you can see from this description of our travels, chasing this dream of my husband’s doctorate has not been straightforward.  We have spent a lot of time agonizing about the future with questions like these plaguing us:

–      Will we ever find real community?

–      How will we get our visas extended while we wait to hear about job applications?

–      Where is the money going to come from for tuition . . . rent . . . food?

–      What will we do if after this degree my husband cannot find any job?

And equally heart-wrenching are our children’s questions:

–      Will I spend my next birthday in this country or a new one?

–      Will I get to keep my best friend or do I have to meet a new best friend next year?

–      Will we ever live near our grandmas and grandpas?

Over the course of my time as a graduate wife, I have learned to hold my plans for our family very loosely. I have tried to stop myself from thinking that I am entitled to have advance notice about what will happen next.  Sometimes when I pray, I try to visualize placing the things that I am gripping with white knuckles (like my desire for my sons to have stability and security) into God’s ready and open hands.  I have to remind myself again and again that my fierce, protective love for my sons cannot compare to the strength of God’s love for them.

I am learning that life is made of up of small moments, and that if I spend my time just waiting for the next phase to come, I run the risk of missing something in store for me in the here and now.  I just started reading a book recommended by a friend called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.  That is my prayer for each of us graduate wives: that amidst all the uncertainty we face, we could embrace the change and live fully right where we are.

If you had to come up with a title for your graduate wife adventure, what would it be and why?  What would be the theme of your story?

Faith · Inspiration · Patience · Trust

My Mantra, My Prayer

thegraduatewife7 Comments

During the season of our lives that was a Master’s degree, I struggled daily with where God had placed us. Because of my faith, I never doubted that we weren’t supposed to be there, but I did doubt that God was around, walking the journey with us. I smiled through my frustration, cursed through my fear, and let my heart cry silently as life moved ever so slowly by.

For my birthday, I asked my husband for The Message Bible. (Secretly, I wanted it because of the psychedelic 3D cover. I have strange taste in art…..ask any of my friends).  He granted my wish – hooray! – and as I read through the New Testament I stumbled on this verse:

So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’ll keep on doing it. 1 Peter 4:19

I literally felt the verse lift off the page, as if it had been written for me. I made several copies of it, placing them in my car, my bathroom, and my office. It became my mantra, my prayer.  It encouraged me.  My head and heart repeated constantly, ‘Trust Him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’ll keep on doing it.’

I have walked around with that verse for the last 5 years.  It will always be meaningful to me, even when this season we are in passes.

What verse, quote or book has carried you through this season of your life?

Mandy
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