Author: thegraduatewife

Faith · Family · Inspiration · Marriage · Motherhood · Patience

A Graduate Degree in Suffering

thegraduatewife14 Comments
Written by Katherine – a former graduate wife
 
Just over 3 years ago, our lives were the normal but fabulous, “the world is our oyster” lives of a
broke graduate law student and his wife.  With a precious 6 month old baby boy, living in married
housing on Pepperdine’s Malibu campus with a view of the Pacific Ocean, tons of friends and pursuing our dreams, we thought life was perfect.  Then, our world was turned completely upside down. 

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I wrote this on April 22nd of this year (“Katherine Lived Day”).
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My husband, Jay wrote this around that time on his blog
(a beautiful memoir of our married student housing).
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This has all been very hard.  I am still in rehab today.  My husband has had to be both mommy and daddy, both husband and wife.  My mother is an almost full-time caregiver to my son.  I cannot drive and can only barely walk.  Read this and this about the hardest time from my ordeal.
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Interestingly enough so many cool things have come out of this, and we are extremely grateful for each and every blessing.  One of the biggest blessings has been this.  I get to do the work I feel I was created to do–to speak about Hope.  We cling to that hope every single day.  We may not ever understand why this happened to us, but we know and trust the God who does know–and that is enough.
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Thankfully, we are done with formal schooling of any kind and are enjoying real life, 
though if there were an honorary degree in
“Surviving and Thriving After Suffering and Trials”
we just might be awarded it…


Inspiration · Moving · Patience · Roles · Sacrifice · Trust · Vocation/Gifts/Calling

Pilgrim Call

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Written by Judy – a former graduate wife

Today I open the book of readings my husband gave me over 26 years ago—before we were married—and the author’s dedication reminds me of who I am: ‘For every pilgrim who yearns for God’

I am a pilgrim, though an unlikely one. When I was growing up, my family rarely traveled. We lived in the same house since I was four years old and the furthest we traveled was to a nearby campground for our vacations. We did not suffer from wanderlust.

So I think it came as a surprise to all of us when, at the age of seventeen, I became convinced that I was meant to go away from home for university. Far away. Three thousand miles away. And though I have been back for visits, and even married a man from the same state, I have never lived there again. In fact, I have never lived again in any of the nine cities (in three different countries) in which we have lived since getting married.

I could say I blame my husband for my vagabond state. He was a graduate student when I met him, and three graduate degrees and a job in academia later, all of our moves have been related to his career. But it wouldn’t be true to say that it is his fault. I knew before I met him that I was not called to stay in one place; I was called to ‘go’.

One of my favorite passages in the bible comes from Psalm 84. I can still remember reading it, before I had ever met my husband, and knowing that there was a message there for me: ‘Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage…They go from strength to strength…’ The Cambridge dictionary defines a pilgrim as ‘a person who makes a journey, which is often long and difficult, to a special place for religious reasons.’ I have made a journey, which has been long and sometimes difficult (and often amazing), to many special places because that is what I believe God has called me to do. I have set my heart on pilgrimage.

I say this, not because I think I am special—I believe we are all called by God to an amazing journey with Him—but because I think that unless you have a sense of calling, it is impossible to live the life of ‘sacrificial support’ that is the life of the wife of a graduate student.

I love that term, ‘sacrificial support’. I think it precisely embodies what it means to be the spouse of a graduate student. Because providing the support that a person who is pursuing a graduate degree needs does require sacrifice, often on a comprehensive scale: sacrifice in terms of career, income, children, family, home-making, personal pursuits, even attention and affection. It is not for the faint (or the selfish) of heart. And while in the early stages love for our spouse and a love of adventure may propel us along, there comes a day when the newness wears off and we begin to feel neglected and unappreciated and we wonder, ‘Is this what I signed up for?’ It’s then that we have the chance to truly understand the sacrificial part of the equation; it’s then that we have the chance to dig deep to find what we didn’t know we had.

Or not. I’ve seen graduate marriages fail, and others take a severe beating. This can be a very difficult road to travel. And while I don’t believe there is a formula for success, I do believe that it is essential to have a shared sense of call and vision, something larger than merely what this means to the interests and career path of the one who is studying, and something larger than the attitude ‘I’m letting you have your turn now so that I can have my turn later.’ There is no 50/50 in marriage. There is give and take; there is negotiation; but always there is sacrifice—on both parts, because that is what love is about.

So here I am, twenty-six years of marriage, fourteen moves of house and three (mostly) grown children later, looking back at the beginning of this adventure in ‘sacrificial support’. I had no idea what I was in for and it has not turned out anything like I’d expected. And I’m sure the adventure is not over. There have been wonderful experiences too numerous to count, and there have been difficulties I couldn’t have managed if I had not believed that this was all part of a bigger plan, part of a pilgrim call.

So I am very thankful for my pilgrim heart. I think it has helped me negotiate this sometimes difficult road. It has helped me to keep the big picture in view—that we are on a journey and that each stop along the way is just that, a stop; it is not the final destination. It is not the point at which I can say, ‘Well, that’s over. Now I can begin my life.’ Life is in the journey.

Words from a Michael Card song that I love:

There is a joy in the journey,
there’s a light we can love on the way.
There is a wonder and wildness to life,
and freedom for those who obey.

May we all experience joy in the journey; May we all experience the wonder and wildness of life and the freedom that comes from following our call.

As a graduate wife, did you ever feel ‘called’ to begin this graduate journey with your husband?  If so, how has that ‘call’ helped with your transition into this season of life? 

Community · Expectations · Family · Moving · Sacrifice

There’s No Place Like Home

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         Written by Amberly – a current graduate wife

Another year of holidays, family celebrations and special events have come and gone; and here I sit 900 miles away participating via Skype. Don’t misunderstand me; I am grateful for Skype every time the computer rings, but it is not quite the same as being in the same room with my family. Isn’t it everyone’s ideal Thanksgiving to stay awake until midnight just so you can see your family as they gather around the table eating foods you can’t even find in your local supermarket? (As a side note – did you know that you can make cornbread dressing with maize meal or that not all turkeys come with their internal organs already in a bag? This southern girl learned both lessons in 2006 when I attempted to make my first solo Thanksgiving dinner!)

This past Christmas was the first Christmas we didn’t go home. We had just returned to the UK in October and it didn’t make sense to fly back to Atlanta so quickly. When we made the decision, we thought it would be a good opportunity to begin our own traditions. We decorated and bought presents. Our families shipped so many gifts that we could barely walk through the living room without tripping. It all seemed to be going well until Christmas Eve….carols played on our computer, and we sat looking at each other realizing that we were alone. No amount of presents or tinsel could change the fact that our families were gathering together and we weren’t there to be with them.

Of course, it is not just holidays that can be hard; I’ve missed weddings, baby showers, funerals, birthdays, beach vacations, and family portraits. My little sister will graduate from college in two weeks, and I won’t be there to give her a hug that only a big sis can give. I don’t want to miss that day or my other sister’s 16th birthday, or when my brother brings his new girlfriend to meet the family. But, we aren’t the only ones missing things. Our families don’t have the daily privilege of seeing their only grandchild grow up.

With all of this in mind, you might be envisioning me writing while curled up in a ball under my duvet with a quart of ice cream. And I would be remiss if I lead you to believe that I don’t have days when that is exactly what I feel like doing. I am happy to say that those days are far and few between, and along the way I have learned a few things that might help someone else trying to come to terms with being separated from family.

Make a plan. With the busyness of life, it is easy to wake up one day and realize that you haven’t spoken with your parents in 2 weeks. Losing touch happens so quickly, even in some of our closest relationships. We make it a point to talk with our parents once a week on a specific day around the same time. While this worked for our parents, I have learned that every relationship is different and communication styles can be different. My siblings are all in school and keep crazy student hours so planning to Skype at a specific time is really impractical. Email, Facebook and our family blog all serve as vehicles to keep us in touch with one another. Find a way to communicate with each other and make it a priority.

Embrace your new home. No, it doesn’t make your family any closer, but when you accept your new life and find things big and small to enjoy, it makes the distance not feel quite as far. Find a church, a library, a coffee shop, a museum, a great restaurant, a bookstore – anything that makes you happy and allows you to begin to be connected to your new home. It can also help your family to know that you are settling in. My mom has said many times that knowing we are happy and content in our home helps her to not worry about us nearly as much.

Surround yourself with memories. I love to have family pictures in our home. We have moved a lot in the last 5 years and no matter where we are living, it doesn’t feel like our home until our pictures are around us.

Be honest. I really struggle with this at times. I want to present the perfect front to our families. I don’t want them to worry about us. Although I don’t think having an emotional breakdown every time we talk is helpful, I have had to learn that it is okay to let them know when I am struggling with being left out.

Develop new relationships. I could never replace my family or friends I have known for years. However, developing relationships in the places we have lived has made a huge difference in dealing with being separated from our old lives. We have had the opportunity to meet people from all over the world with different backgrounds. We would never have met them if we had not stepped into our new life. These relationships have shaped who we are today and I am incredibly grateful for every one.

Remember why you are separated from your families. When you are the supporting partner it can be difficult to remember what your spouse is doing, the pressures they are under and what the ultimate goal is. Remember why you made the decision for your spouse to pursue further education and what your long-term family goals are.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list and I am far from an expert. Being separated from family is never easy and it does take time to adjust. Know that if you are willing to make the effort it can be done without sacrificing the relationships that you cherish.

If you have found yourself relocated to a new place on your graduate wife journey, how do you handle being separated from your family and friends?

Children · Faith · Moving · Patience · Sacrifice

Little House on the…

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Written by Michelle – a former graduate wife

Baths are done, pajamas are on, and teeth are brushed, so our boys cuddle up on our laps to listen to a chapter of a bedtime story.  Right now, we are starting the third book in the Little House series.  During last night’s reading, our eldest son realized that the little girl named Laura in the story is actually Laura Ingalls Wilder, the author.  We thought about the fact that our six-year-old son, who has moved five times and lived in four countries, probably already has enough material to create his own series.  My husband and I laughed as we suggested possible titles for each book in our own Little House series, a series that begins with my first year as a graduate wife.  Here are the titles we came up with and descriptions supplied afterward by me:

Little House on the Golf Course                                                                                                    Naperville, IL

A young married couple discovers that God has His own surprising plans as they face an unexpected pregnancy and Dad not getting into ay doctoral schools.  Will their brand new marriage survive the shock and loud pelting of golf balls on the windows?

Little Town near the Big City                                                                                                                     Glen Ellyn, IL

This year Dad is accepted to doctoral schools, but which will he choose? He must decide between attending an American university (fully funded) or following God’s leading to schools that have little funding and are an ocean away from family and friends.

By the Shores of the Sea                                                                                                                                    St. Andrews, Scotland

This year finds the family in a community of new friends in the wild, rugged beauty of Scotland.  Dad begins his doctorate, but just as they are settling in, unanticipated news makes it clear that another move is on the horizon. 

Two Rooms of Damp and Mold                                                                                                               Oxford, England

Did Mom and Dad make a mistake in bringing their family to Oxford for Dad’s studies?  Dad is exquisitely happy wearing flowing black robes at the University, but their housing situation is so difficult Mom is not sure she can manage.  During Mom’s second pregnancy doctors are convinced that something is wrong, yet she feels that the baby is healthy.  When the baby is ready to be born, the midwife, the doula, nor the paramedics arrive in time.   Will they welcome another member into their family safely?

On the Banks of the Rhine                                                                                                                          Bonn, Germany

With two healthy boys, the family settles into a new home in another new country.  The eldest son works hard to learn enough German to participate in school.  Mom finds her way through a new city on public transportation in German with two little ones.  She struggles to know how to support her eldest son who is floundering amidst all the transitions.  Dad finishes his doctorate, finds work at the university, and spends many months applying to jobs.  Uncertainty about the future weighs heavily upon them all . . . .

Little House by Donnington Bridge                                                                                                         Oxford, England

After holding their breaths through over 50 applications, the whole family rejoices when Dad receives a post-doc in Oxford.  Three years in one place!  What a tremendously gracious gift.  During this time of stability, Mom and Dad hope to thoughtfully and purposefully prepare for whatever God has next for them.

Coming soon . . .

Little House in South America                                                                                                                  exact location TBA

Dad begins work as a missionary scholar and Mom and the boys enjoy their own set of new adventures. 

As you can see from this description of our travels, chasing this dream of my husband’s doctorate has not been straightforward.  We have spent a lot of time agonizing about the future with questions like these plaguing us:

–      Will we ever find real community?

–      How will we get our visas extended while we wait to hear about job applications?

–      Where is the money going to come from for tuition . . . rent . . . food?

–      What will we do if after this degree my husband cannot find any job?

And equally heart-wrenching are our children’s questions:

–      Will I spend my next birthday in this country or a new one?

–      Will I get to keep my best friend or do I have to meet a new best friend next year?

–      Will we ever live near our grandmas and grandpas?

Over the course of my time as a graduate wife, I have learned to hold my plans for our family very loosely. I have tried to stop myself from thinking that I am entitled to have advance notice about what will happen next.  Sometimes when I pray, I try to visualize placing the things that I am gripping with white knuckles (like my desire for my sons to have stability and security) into God’s ready and open hands.  I have to remind myself again and again that my fierce, protective love for my sons cannot compare to the strength of God’s love for them.

I am learning that life is made of up of small moments, and that if I spend my time just waiting for the next phase to come, I run the risk of missing something in store for me in the here and now.  I just started reading a book recommended by a friend called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are.  That is my prayer for each of us graduate wives: that amidst all the uncertainty we face, we could embrace the change and live fully right where we are.

If you had to come up with a title for your graduate wife adventure, what would it be and why?  What would be the theme of your story?

Uncategorized

And The Winner Is…..

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We hope everyone enjoyed the royal wedding. It was a beautiful day here in England and the church bells tolled all over the country in celebration for the happy couple!

We have posted below the winner to our funny wedding story contest. It was shared by one of our graduate wife readers and it makes me think about the some what “absent minded professors” that many of us find ourselves married to. Haha.  Enjoy!

On our wedding day, my husband-to-be decided to escape his groomsmen for a few minutes to clear his head to think and pray. He knew he had 10 minutes before the ceremony was to begin, so he sat down in a chair to catch his breath.

20 MINUTES later (note: 10 minutes AFTER the service was to begin), my lovely husband-to-be awoke with a start. He had fallen asleep during his time of meditation.

Luckily for him, guests were still being seated, and he wasn’t missed….but seriously, who falls asleep 10 minutes before their wedding?

Happy day to everyone!

Mandy and MC


Beauty and the Budget

Beauty and the Budget: Project Ottoman

thegraduatewife4 Comments

Who doesn’t love an eye-catching and functional ottoman? It’s a nice first project because it feels like a real piece of furniture.  It serves as a bench or a footstool; it holds a tray of tea; and it brings a splash of color into a (pre-furnished) room instantly.  Since I don’t have a car, I carried the below ottoman on top of my pram (stroller) from the outdoor flea market to the bus stop and then onto the bus with me.  It was only £5 and I couldn’t resist.

Now I am not gonna lie, if we were living the states almost every part of this posting would have been easier.  I miss easy access to massive stores like Michaels’ Crafts or Home Depot.  When I first moved overseas I had no idea where to find any equivalent to the above, and so I decided to take things into my own hands.  I needed to get some lovely things into our sterile flat and I needed them fast.  The completion of this project was a few months back, and I have since come across the UK equivalents.  However, I decided to share the original process below. On some of the steps I have listed 2 options: one for those with limited access to large craft/home decorating stores (unless you order online and that gets really pricey-or take a bus or cycle to find them!) and a second set for those who do.

Here are the essentials:

  • Ottoman      
  • Fabric      
  • Scissors      
  • Screwdriver      
  • Sand paper      
  • Acrylic Paint or semi-gloss (or low lustre) latex paint or spray paint
    • (Acrylic Paint-300ml/3 oz.      semi-gloss paint-1/2 quart     spray paint-one can)      
  • Glue gun/sticks or staple gun

Let’s Begin:

  1. Remove the ottoman cushion by unscrewing the screws underneath.  Unfortunately, the ottoman I found didn’t have screws fastening it, thus I had to just leave the cushion on and work around the frame.
  2. First, sand the legs to strip away the shinny finish.  Just a light sanding, to remove the gloss.  (100 grit Sandpaper in UK-Boswells/Robert Dyer/Wickes/Home Base)
  3. Now you’re ready to paint!  I used white acrylic paint since I didn’t have spray paint.  I let it dry for a few hours and applied 2 more coats. Since we live in a complex, I was camping out in the stairwell, but if you don’t have little hands to worry about just lay down a tarp in your living room with an open window.  The only downer with this impromptu acrylic finish is that it won’t be glossy and it won’t be able to protect the piece from scratches, the way that other paints would.  I am fine with this since I know I am only living here for 3 years and won’t be carrying it back to the US in my suitcase. I let it dry over night. (White acrylic paint in the UK-The Works for £2.99 and brushes for 99p) (Spray Paint/Semi-gloss latex paint in the UK-Wickes/Home Base)  If you have access to a home improvement store choose a spray paint or a semi-gloss latex paint. Don’t be afraid of bright colors!  If using paint, do at least 3 coats with a brush and a 24-hour dry. If spraying, do at least 2 coats and a 24-hour dry.
  4. I found this lovely fabric sample at the same outdoor market for only £4 pounds! I made sure it would cover the ottoman and snatched it up.  After ironing out the creases, I measured the area of the ottoman and then measured that same amount plus 2” on every side of the fabric and cut it.  If your fabric piece is a bit tight, you don’t have to get exactly 2” on every side, just make sure there is enough for you to tuck under the cushion and secure it. If you are in the UK (does anyone know a great place to find fabric?) and you don’t have any fabric scraps handy, I’d look at places like markets and charity shops.  If no luck, I’d look at these same spots but in the clothing section.  You are bound to find a bright pattern you like, just make sure the material is a thicker weave than cotton.  A tablecloth would also work.
  5. Since I don’t have a staple gun handy in my tiny flat, (I’ve since spotted one on Amazon UK for £8!) I decided to just use a glue gun to secure the fabric to the underside of the cushion.  If you’re using a glue gun, don’t worry if the fabric doesn’t seem secure enough — once you screw the cushion back in, it will be even more secure. (Glue gun and sticks in UK- from AmazonUK for £2.99)
  6. When securing the fabric make sure you keep it taut and straight.  If your husband isn’t in the library :-) it might be nice to have another set of hands, but you can also do it yourself.  Lay the cushion (or entire ottoman in my case) upside down on the fabric and make sure it is centered and straight.  Start slowly pulling the fabric tight and wrapping it around the cushion and gluing it in place. For the corners just cut the excess fabric out like I did below, and then tuck under and secure with glue.  Think: wrapping a present. Check the front of the fabric periodically to make sure it is still straight and wrinkle free.  If you are able to get a staple gun (Home Depot for around $15) the process is very similar.  Just continue to work your way around the piece pulling the fabric taut and stapling slowly as you go.  I’d staple about 2” apart. 
  7. Secure the cushion back into the seat and voila!


Marriage

Royal Wedding Countdown….

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For those of us on this side of the pond, we are happily anticipating the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and the lovely Kate Middleton.

It’s been an exciting past few months as the media has tried to find out who is on the guest list (GASP! They invited the local shopkeeper from Kate’s village?), the designer of her wedding dress, and where exactly the newlyweds will be honeymooning.

It’s estimated that there is to be 2 billion people watching their ceremony. 2 BILLION?! That’s 1/3 of the world’s population. Amazing. And one can only imagine the immense pressure that they both must be feeling.

In honor of the royal wedding, we thought it would be fun to have a little wedding contest; so, here’s your mission, if you so choose to accept it:

Did something really funny happen to you in your wedding? Then please submit that story to us via email (thegraduatewife@gmail.com) by Wednesday, April 27.  The winner will have their story posted on April 29 – the day of the Royal Wedding.

We look forward to reading your stories!

Mandy & MC

Expectations · Moving

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

thegraduatewife8 Comments

It happens every year around this time.

By now, I should be prepared for it, as it’s happened on a regular basis for the last 7 years; but, somehow, like the annual birthday card I forgot to send, it’s popped up again and caught me completely off-guard.

Another friend is saying goodbye to us. This chapter of her journey in our daily lives has come to a close, and she and her family are off next week to begin their next chapter.

I am so happy for them.

I am so sad for us.

One of the hardest things (for me) in this season of life has been the transition of friendships. I have no issues making friends; I love being around people, love hearing their stories, and love seeing the way they live their lives. I am energized just being around them. But, while that time is precious, I often find it leaves me with a longing for something more, something intimate. Unfortunately, I’ve learned the hard way that deep, long lasting friendships are not made overnight.

When we moved from Atlanta 7 years ago to begin our graduate journey, we left behind a bevy of friends that we considered family. We knew each other’s stories, had been in each other’s weddings, and lived life together for several years. The loss I felt from our move was so immense, I didn’t want to make new friends in the new city we had relocated to. So I didn’t, at least at first. Why on earth would I want to do that when I had such fabulous friends who already knew and loved me in a city 8 hours from where I sat? I regrettably adopted the “why bother?” attitude since I was sure we would only live there for 3, MAYBE 4 years. With another impending transition looming in the future, I decided that I would do this journey on my own; I didn’t need a community of new friends to walk this road with me. Needless to say, it only took a year and a half before I found myself on the couch of a therapist, woefully explaining to her why I thought my life totally sucked. I was lonely and lost, trying desperately to live outside my belief that humanity was created to be in community.

After admitting that I couldn’t do it on my own, I began to reach out to other women (some graduate wives, some not) through various outlets, and I can honestly say that when we moved from there 3 years later, we left some dear friends who remain part of our lives today. Since then, I’ve been given the chance to move to another city (in another country!) to start over again, all with a fresh perspective: it’s always better to walk the road with a friend, then walk the road alone. I don’t know if we’ll live in one place for 3 years or 30 years. But, I do know this: I have to live my life in the present. If I live in the past or in the future, constantly playing the ‘What If’ game and wishing I was somewhere else with someone else, I’ll not only miss out on what I believe is a pivotal part of my life’s growth process, but also some very special friendships in a difficult season of life. I know there is always a reason you cross paths with someone; the journeys are always connected.

“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~Thomas Jefferson

In your graduate wife journey, what are you doing to foster friendship and community?

Mandy

Identity · Roles · Sacrifice

Identity Theft

thegraduatewife8 Comments

Written by Nicole – a current graduate wife

Who am I?

I can tell you who I used to be.

A blonde, tan cheerleading captain, one half of the large California public high school power couple (the other half being the quarterback of the football team, naturally).

An over-involved, over-achieving student, active in student government, athletics, and community service from elementary school to graduate school.

A loving daughter of well-respected parents, whose connections coupled with the aforementioned drive for success earned her several job offers in education.

A capable, passionate teacher who was gifted the Award for Teaching Excellence, voted on by her colleagues.

I’m not any of those things anymore.

Who am I?

Now I’m just another graduate student’s wife.

The pier of what I have known to be my identity has been slowly crumbling because each of the pillars holding it up in the middle of the ocean is being knocked out. At this point, I’m not sure what else can be removed from under me, but I’m afraid there’s more to come. Through tears as we lay in bed one night, I told my husband that I feel like I don’t have much else for God to take away from my life. Which of these pillars could I be relying on?

Money? The year of my salary we saved to move here and pay international student fees is disappearing faster than you can say “lickety split.”

Family/Friends? We’re far, far away from them. Very far.

Marriage? We’ve been through enough seriously tough, painful crap to know better than to worship each other.

Children? Don’t have those, and can’t have those. No medical explanation on either side of the pond as to why. Can’t adopt here, and can’t adopt there. We’re just plain stuck on that front.

Health? My daily struggle with the ol’ chronic illness without a cure (a.k.a. the ‘betes) reminds me that this is not a given.

Appearance? My skin is verging on translucently pale, I’ve probably gained a solid 10 pounds (conservative estimate) this winter, and my hair is the color of dirty dishwater.

House? I live in a barn. I’m not exaggerating.

Possessions? Two suitcases worth, with half of the space in them taken up by medical supplies.

Convenience? What’s that? Most everything here is a p r o c e s s.

Luxury? Okay, I do miss driving wherever I want, whenever I want; going to the movies; getting my nails done (twice a year, but whatever); wandering through Target; and Mexican food.

Career? I don’t have one at present, and there is nothing promising on the horizon despite the dozens and dozens (and dozens!) of applications I’ve filled out.  I know that these years here require sacrifice on my part, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep us afloat, but bearing the sole weight of the financial responsibility for our family feels very unnatural to me. It freaks me out, to be perfectly honest.

Education? It’s hard to brag about my grade point average when that’s not a term that people here understand or accept as a legitimate form of assessment.

Myself? I started out my unemployment tenure with a strict hourly schedule to keep productive and happy. That lasted two days. Now I just stay in my pajamas too long and bake too many cookies and realize what a wretched, sinful woman I am who can’t do anything apart from God’s grace.

I know that these losses I’m grieving are completely relative. Life is hard in general, but my life is not that hard. I could lose much more. I could be suffering without food, clothing, shelter, or loving relationships. I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m really a completely spoiled American brat who doesn’t have the first understanding of God’s faithfulness or the brevity of life.

I know this is where we’re supposed to be right now. My husband is thriving in his work, being affirmed by his supervisor and peers, and really loving his studies. For that I am supremely grateful.

I, on the other hand, feel like my world has been completely rocked. All the things I thought I was either aren’t true of me anymore or don’t really matter at all.

Who am I?

 After sending a prayer SOS to some close friends, one wrote this response back to me. As a Christian, these words spoke deeply to me and I hope that even if you are not of a faith, that you can find truth and comfort in them too.

You are loved and have value by simply existing. To suddenly have no career and “little productivity” is an extreme shock to the system, but at the end of the day whether or not you have accomplished anything speaks nothing to your value. You are loved. Period. PJs, sleep in days, no work, pale skin, LOVED. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  He loved us before we had ourselves together.
I totally appreciate the joy it brings to check things off a list and feel like you have “done something.”  But maybe there are other plans in store for you right now.  Use this time to listen, to be patient, to slow down, to discover.

In your graduate wife journey, what has been the most difficult part of your ‘identity shift’?


Faith · Inspiration · Marriage · Moving

Courage Lessons

thegraduatewife3 Comments

Written by Julia – a former graduate wife.

My husband, Dave, and I have been married for five years, and in that time we have lived in four different countries. The growth of our marriage, my career and our family has taken place in a different zip code, post code or Postleitzahl every year until this one, when we are finally experiencing a second year in one city.  And all this for a girl from the American South, where roots are important.

In our first move abroad, while skirting the North Sea in a taxi cab from the Edinburgh Airport to The Flat I Had Not Seen, Dave praised the rolling green hills spotted with sheep and lined with stone walls, enraptured with some sort of pastoral bliss. I, on the other hand, cried. Putting thousands of miles and an ocean between us and our friends and family somehow did not have the same inspiring effect on me.

At least not at first. In between that day and this one, I have lived in places of unspeakable beauty. I have shared a running route with Eric Liddel, regularly visited splendid castles and wandered around the Black Forest. Just yesterday, I happened upon a 12th century church with a well which served as inspiration for Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland – just before dinner, a fifteen minute walk from my flat. Those back home who think of living abroad as an enviable adventure are not far off.

But that’s not the whole story. While there certainly is some romance to country hopping, such transience brings with it layers of challenge, from the mundane to the profound. What on earth is the German equivalent of condensed milk? Why does it take four hours to wash a load of laundry here? Where will I work? Will my niece and nephews remember me after not seeing me for long stretches at a time? How will anyone really know me if I don’t stay long enough in one place to form genuine relationships? The questions trip over themselves at first, and transform over time from the urgent practical questions that require immediate answers, to the deeper questions about vocation and identity. Uniting them is a sense of unsettledness, of disquiet in the face of change.

Facing an uncertain future – practically a definition of time spent with a spouse who is studying – invites one to engage the unknown in the mode of trust. Each move, whether physically moving to another place or simply reaching a new season, represents another chance to show bravery. Most of the time, I feel more like an ostrich hiding its head in the sand than an eagle taking the opportunity to spread its wings and soar (can you tell I’ve been reading animal books to my nine month old?), but because of my faith, I am learning that God condescends to meet our cowardice with courage.  In spite of my grumbling recalcitrance, God in his rich love chooses to give us more than we need to press on. In the end, the most lasting help against fear is not a stable income, a comfortable living situation, a routine, but the accompaniment of God himself. But the fact that courage is commanded in Scripture, rather than portrayed as the constant possession of the believer, suggests that this courage is always something to be sought and re-sought:

Have I not commanded you?

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed,

for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Most days I find myself living somewhere between the promise and the command, called out of fear and into trust, but struggling to meet the future without nail-biting apprehension.

Anyone else facing these difficult lessons in courage?