Inspiration

You’re My Home

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home

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-written by Keeley, a current (but soon to be former!) graduate wife

As I was listening to this song by Billy Joel on the way to work this morning, it struck me as particularly appropriate for the Graduate Wife journey. I feel sure that it wasn’t written in that context, but I literally teared up thinking about all the places my husband and I have lived and all the unique experiences we’ve had over the course of two graduate programs. Billy Joel evidently feels the same way about his companion:

Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike

Indiana’s early morning dew

High up in the hills of California

Home is just another word for you

I think about my friend K, who, along with her husband, grew up in Oklahoma then moved to Nashville, then to Princeton, and will move who-knows-where next. I think about C, who grew up in New Jersey and has accompanied her husband for nearly four years while earning her own Masters degree, partially online because of an unexpected move to Atlanta. And M, from Kansas, whose husband is from Minnesota, and how they live in Tampa because of his calling after completing her, and then his, Masters programs in Princeton. And L, who has been with her husband for over half their lives, moving from Missouri to North Carolina to New Jersey.

Certainly, it’s true of our generation that we simply move around a lot, and that relocating is an essential part of our social skill set. However, I am grateful for a companion who helps to make any place feel like we belong there, because of the history and love that we share. As I listen to this song, I picture the knee-deep snow of Boston, our “special” nights out to Qdoba during his Masters program, and the poor little Christmas tree we carried to our apartment after a ride on the T bus. I picture our favorite ice cream parlor  in downtown Princeton, visiting the Christmas window displays in New York City, and picking blueberries, a summer tradition in Hammonton, New Jersey. I see snapshots of beautiful stone edifices in Cambridge, London, and Edinburgh, where he has done research and had conferences, and remember the feel of the soft moss under my shoes as we hiked along the shore of Loch Ness. I see the red hills outside Kampala, Uganda and taste delicious barbecued goat, while hearing the first storm of the February rains on the tin roof of our cottage, or feeling the wind through my hair as I rode “side-saddle” on a motorcycle taxi in a bright turquoise dress. All of these have been “home” to me, not least because Jason and I have been there together. I wonder how it will be to live in the dry, arid climate of Phoenix as we move there this summer to embark on his career as a professor, times zones away from our families, but feel peaceful that it will work, because we have each other (plus one, due in June!). These words resonate like a benediction as I contemplate the past, present, and future of our time together:

If I traveled all my life

And I never get to stop and settle down

Long as I have you by my side

There’s a roof above and good walls all around

You’re my castle, you’re my cabin and my instant pleasure dome

I need you in my house ’cause you’re my home.   

As a graduate wife, what does home look like to you?

 

Wednesday's Weekly Tip

Wednesday’s Weekly Tip: Get to Mixin’

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wwt

At our house, the idea of using our hands, making something from simple items and then seeing an end product that is tangible and helpful is incredibly rewarding (especially especially in this season of grad school when research seems so elusive and cerebral).  My husband and I have been doing this a lot with cooking and trying new recipes as of late.  And, I found some fun and random homemade tips that we might try soon.  Hope you enjoy trying some out and can appreciate the simple pleasure of making something with your hands and seeing it to completion.  p.s. Let me know if any of them work well for you! -M.C.

1) Homemade Cooking Spray! Recipe Here.

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2) Toxin free Tub Scrub! Instructions here.

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3) Homemade Laundry Detergent. Read here.

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4) Easy peasy homemade air freshener.  Ingredients here.

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5) Lovely lavendar room spray.  Found here.

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Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Angelina Jolie’s Medical Choice

thegraduatewife4 Comments

new food for thought

When I saw Angelina Jolie’s op-ed piece in the NY Times last week on her preventive double mastectomy, I applauded her. And then I admired her bravery and willingness to go public with a very private, personal decision.

Last year, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since her two younger siblings died of cancer, and her older sibling survived a bout with cancer, she decided to be genetically tested. Unfortunately, she tested positive for the BRCA1 gene. We have talked several times about what she might have done differently in her 30s and 40s if she had had this information; it’s very likely she might have done something preventive, given her family history.

I love what Jolie said in the article:

On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.

For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options. I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.

Armed with the knowledge that my family now carries the BRCA1 gene, I decided to be genetically tested last summer. It wasn’t a hard decision to make, but my husband and I talked through several options of what we would and should do if my test came back positive. I had prepared myself for the possibility of preventive surgery as one of my options. Thankfully, my test came back negative. Even so, I remain vigilant about my own health.

I’m happy to say that my mother has made a full recovery, using both holistic and conventional medicine. Her oncologist officially declared her in remission two weeks ago.

Would you consider preventive surgery as an option? How do you feel about genetic testing?

-Mandy

Uncategorized

Friday Funnies: Motherhood is Another Hood

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I don’t know if you’ve stumbled across this yet, but it had me laughing out loud. Hard.  Haha.  Happy Friday!

-M.C.

Expectations · Stages of the Grad Journey

Hoops

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hoops

Hoola Hoops.

Hoop earrings.

Hooptie Hoop cars.

Shootin’ some Hoops.

Yep. Lots of hoops out there.  Sadly, this post isn’t about any of those.  It’s about the kind you have to jump through…

… from about 300 yards away … and it’s spinning … and it’s on fire.  In other words, the kind where your form doesn’t really matter; you just have to get through it somehow.

My husband recently came out of the ‘dark phase’ of his PhD journey (so perfectly captured in Laura’s post here), and I’m glad to say that we can see some light at the end of the tunnel!  Woohoo!  But then just last week, we found ourselves saying, “Hold on a second.  Is that the light up there?  Really?  We are getting so close to the end of all this labor, turmoil, exhaustion and it’s all been for this?  This finished piece?  Is this really all it’s adding up to?”

I know that many people’s DPhils and PhDs go on to be incredible works – books published that continue to shape and inspire the minds and lives of many around the world.  However, I am also just now realizing that many of those dissertations are also considered – gulp – just giant hoops to jump through.

We had such lofty expectations going into this DPhil program.  My husband was so excited to finally have this sacred time to think, write and explore.  And better yet, it was all funded!  And yes, it has been an incredibly rich and fabulous journey.  There have been many times we’ve pinched ourselves and said, “Ha, we’re living the dream life!”  But after year one, we realized that the time was flying by, and that the program wasn’t quite what we had so idealistically envisioned, and now at the end of year three it’s started to feel a bit like it’s all been a big hoop to get through.

Now, I know that for many, this isn’t the case.  But if you happen to find yourself in a similar spot, here are some tips on how to deal with the whole ‘hoop’ thing as you work your way to the end of your journey:

1.)  Get some perspective:  Yes, it’s true.  As you near the end of the PhD journey (and start searching for jobs) it might start feeling like your spouse’s research has been nothing but a big fat hoop to jump through, especially if you can’t find a job that doesn’t require another sort of degree or a post-doc in addition to the degree you’ve been working on.  But hold on, step back, and look at the bigger picture; recognize that the work put into this PhD is indeed something to be proud of.  It’s taken a long time to get where you are, and even if it doesn’t look like what you had hoped it would look like at the beginning, survey the long haul and be thankful for where you’ve come.  Also try to look at it in terms of the future – like putting puzzle pieces together as your life fits together before you.  The PhD was and is a necessary and crucial piece getting you from point A to point B.

2.)  Be honest about change: It might be your case that you have to help your spouse let go of the ideal that was envisioned for this thesis when he/she started out on this journey. We have to accept in our hearts and minds that change is inevitable, and it’s through change and flexibility that we grow stronger and more complex and able.  The work might have taken a different turn, but that is okay.  Help your spouse focus on the good of where it is going now and help them to articulate and hold onto the desire and dream of its original vision.  Maybe one day you’ll have time to go back and explore further areas that didn’t make it into this work.  The thesis doesn’t have to be a closed book.  It can be something that is worked and built upon in years to come.

3.)  Be realistic:  Okay, so maybe X years really is an incredibly tight time to actually research and write a work as lofty as your spouse set out to do?  Maybe not.  However, just as I stated in number 2, let go, cut yourself some slack, and finish in stride.  This is an incredibly powerful work that has in so many ways been at the center of your hearts and minds for so long…but then again, it is simply just a thesis.  It will speak on your spouse’s behalf for years to come, but then again it doesn’t have to define them.  It’s a crucial step.  An incredible badge of honor.

I think if can help my husband relax, finish well, and be proud of what he has accomplished, then we don’t have to look at the next few months/year as an annoying ‘hoop’ to finally get through.  As I see it, it’s more like a stepping stone on the journey – a rather tedious and difficult one, but nonetheless a step sending us onto the next one.

What are your thoughts?  Has your PhD or D.Phil journey felt like a ‘hoop’ at times?  How have you dealt with this feeling?

-M.C.

   

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: ‘My space is small. My life is big.’

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new food for thought

There have been a few posts on here in the past that have touched on the idea of the ‘freedom’ that comes with owning less ‘stuff’.  Many of us have learned this beautiful lesson the hard way through moving and having to downsize for grad school.  I came across this simple little article a while back in the NY Times and thought it summarized quite well what I’ve learned in my heart the past few years on this subject.

As we approach the summer with family moves and thoughts of  storage units swirling in our minds, I thought this might provide some good food for thought this Monday.

-M.C.

“Intuitively, we know that the best stuff in life isn’t stuff at all, and that relationships, experiences and meaningful work are the staples of a happy life.”

Family

The Glad Sacrifice of Motherhood

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Chris & David 2
Julia’s mother, Christine, with her son, David

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, and must empty ourselves. –Mother Teresa

Before I became a mother, I often listened to the stories of sacrifice that populated my family’s collective memory, handed on like heirlooms. They were impressive to me then, as a child and adolescent, but the reality behind the tales has only gradually sunk in as I’ve had my own children and settled into life as a mother. This Mother’s Day has me remembering with gratitude the legacy of glad sacrifice in my maternal forebears.

When my grandfather returned from World War II he married the love of his life, my grandmother. When his son, my father, was four years old, my grandfather suddenly lost his ability to walk. He learned from doctors that a spinal column injury sustained during the war would, as they told him, give him the option of sitting or lying down. He told them he would walk. (And he did walk eventually – with a brace from hip to ankle, and supporting himself with a cane.) My grandmother looked after the children and visited him daily for months in the hospital and rehabilitation center. In the evening, she put her kids to bed and went off to work as a waitress. Tirelessly, she worked to put food on the table – from the time my grandfather was in the hospital to when he came home unable to walk, let alone work.

My maternal grandmother had seven children. My mother, Christine, was the third born. When my mother was in junior high, my grandfather grew gravely sick, suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s. And so my grandmother went to work at a factory while my oldest aunts and uncles kept things going at home. And when my grandfather passed away when her youngest was still in grade school, she continued to work at night and be at home during the day, never taking her wedding band off her ring finger.

And then there’s my mother. After she married her high school sweetheart at the tender age of twenty-one, my mother left school, her family, and her way of life to move across the country for my father to go to seminary. Shortly after they arrived, she discovered she was pregnant. David was born nine months later. A very difficult labor made way for the even more difficult news that David had a heart condition that would require surgery in a few months’ time. When David was six months of age, my parents and their best friends got on their knees and pleaded with God to protect their firstborn son the next morning during open heart surgery. The next morning David died. My parents were twenty-three.

In sharing these stories, I don’t for a moment think that my family is unique. This kind of risky love and untiring devotion are wonderfully universal. There is beautiful commonality woven in the stories we all carry of our mothers, and of our mothers’ mothers. Each of us is here today precisely as the result of the sacrifice of others. Even those of us who may not have had ideal mothers have often benefited from mother-like sacrifices from someone who loved us.

When I’m tempted to despair at the solipsism of this world and question whether the era of this type of sacrifice has passed, I step back and consider the strong women around me, many of whom have forsaken family and country in the graduate journey, and now joyfully sacrifice to raise their children in circumstances that are not always easy – children who will, one day, look back on the difficulty their mothers endured with gratitude and wonder.

–written by Julia, a former graduate wife

Inspiration

An Important Choice

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-written by Rebecca, a current graduate wife

Yesterday, I spent the morning hand mending threadbare couch-covers, well worn by years of students and their families. On breaks from the mending, I checked on the home-made chicken stock simmering on our tiny stove-top, made from the previous night’s roast chicken and a months worth of frozen vegetable scraps frugally saved up. With the mending finished, another successful day of home-school accomplished, and the delicious chicken soup (made with the scrap-stock) in its final stages, I feel quite satisfied.

This is a far cry from life back in the States. I had my dream car (yes, it was a minivan), lovely sofas which I spent weeks choosing, a beautiful full-sized stainless steel gas oven/range and was surrounded by friends and family. In addition, my husband had a fantastic job with a pending promotion. Pretty easy life, right? We were very happy. However, we knew it was not where we belonged quite yet.  We had big plans to leave it all to go to a university a world away.

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years, 10 of which he has spent attending university either full or part-time.  We have moved several times accumulating academic and seminary degrees. Life has thrown some major ups and downs our way during this unconventional graduate life of ours. Leaving homes we loved, enduring multiple miscarriages, unemployment, you name it, we have probably been through it. I have had many opportunities to complain and derail the whole dream.

Now here we are, living an ocean away from so much we love, and I am full of joy. I made an important choice a long time ago; I chose joy.

Certainly, I am not perfect, and it does not mean I don’t have bad days or that I am living in a la-la land of denial. It just means I am in control of how I feel about my life. It has been a hard learned lesson. When I was a young woman, I was counseled by my dad (who is now a marriage and family counselor) how even though I cannot control what life or people throw my way, nothing (and no one) can make me feel a certain way. I decide how I react. It’s my choice.

When my children have a hard day, or miss their friends back in the States, I try to never dismiss their feelings.  We talk about them.  We honor them.  But, the next step is to talk about choices.  We can choose to bathe in the feelings of loss or sadness or anger allowing them to fester within us, to change us, to ruin a potentially great day, week, month or even years.  On the other hand, we can choose to say okay, I feel sad about “_”, and it’s okay and normal, but now I am choosing to think about the good things, to look forward to our next adventure and to focus on the positive.  The main thing is to realize that nothing has the power to make you feel a certain way.  We have a choice over how we respond.

As a mother of three, I realize how significant my influence is upon the mood of my family.  On my bad days (and they do come) my children fight more, they think more about the things they miss and the downward spiral begins.  I have to regain my focus, involve them in planning a fun day trip, talk about “home” and then about the amazing adventures we have been on over the last several years. They know I miss things and people; I don’t try to hide it from them.  However, they also understand that I simply refuse to wallow in it.

My oldest child and I had a conversation last week while we walked to the store for groceries.  She said she was missing the luxury of just hopping into the van, speeding down to Target or Trader Joe’s and buying whatever we needed.  I told her I miss it as well.  I went on to tell her how, just like when we moved from North Carolina to Texas; we missed parts of our life that had been left behind.  Or, when we moved from Texas back to North Carolina; we missed our life in Texas.  Now, we miss aspects of life back in the States.  No matter where we are, we will always look back at the highlights of the places we have been.  Nevertheless, we must make certain that we don’t let the thoughts of the things we miss become so primary that we end up missing this amazing leg of our journey.  Our conversation soon moved to what we love about Scotland and what we will look back on and miss.  We made a complete 180 from missing our van to choosing to live in the “now” and enjoying what we have here, while we have it.

Perspective!  I hope and pray this idea, that we have a choice, will stick with my children.  My heartfelt desire is that we will always choose to live joyfully in the present, not looking back in regret, or rushing through to the next best thing.  It would be a great loss to miss the amazing adventure of this life we have been given now.

In this graduate wife life, how do you choose joy?

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: It’s Crowded at the Top

thegraduatewife2 Comments

new food for thought

Freakonomics recently did a broadcast (you can find it here) giving a surprising explanation as to why the U.S. unemployment rate is so high.

To quote them:

So it appears that, while returns to education remain strong, there are far too many highly educated workers for the available jobs. We also make note in the podcast of a new paper by Hal Salzman, Daniel Kuehn, and B. Lindsay Lowell which argues that, for all the hand-wringing about the U.S.’s inability to educate (or import) a sufficient number of STEM workers, there is in fact no shortage of such workers and that only half of U.S. STEM graduates end up with a STEM (Science,Technology, Engineering, Maths) job.

What do you think? I know this topic of conversation has been widely discussed in our house! Do you think there are too many highly educated workers?

-Mandy

Shuga' Mommas

Shuga’ Mommas: Roasted carrot & chickpea salad with tahini dressing

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Oh my goodness, this salad is delicious!  Seriously, you’ll be wishing you made a double batch it’s that good.  We had it for a main course and it was perfectly filling.  I’ve only relatively recently gotten into ‘eating with the seasons’ (which is totally the way to go!) and carrots right now are really easy to come by and on a grad wife budget they are super cheap too! You could also easily make this with sweet potato or butternut squash mixed in or instead of the carrots.

The recipe below was taken from a local organic produce cookbook (Riverford Organics) and it’s perfect for your spring and summer dinner parties ahead!  It was quick and easy too.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:

600g carrots, peeled & cut into large chunks (big bag)
2 tbsp olive oil
½ tsp dried chilli flakes
1 tsp cumin seeds
½ tsp ground coriander
¼ tsp smoked paprika
1 tbsp clear honey
mixed salad leaves packet
1 tin chickpeas, rinsed & drained

for the dressing:

2 tbsp light tahini
2 tbsp plain yoghurt
1 garlic clove, crushed
2 tbsp olive oil
juice of 1 lemon

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Toss the carrots in a baking dish with the oil, chilli, cumin, coriander and paprika.

Season with salt and pepper. Roast for 30-40 mins, until tender.

Remove from the oven and toss in the chickpeas, coating them with the spices. (I put them back in to roast a few more minutes because I like roasted chickpeas-althought that wasn’t in the original recipe)

Leave to cool slightly. Scatter the salad on a long serving plate, and then put the chickpeas and carrots on top. Make the dressing: stir the tahini with the yoghurt until you have a smooth paste. Whisk in the rest of the ingredients with a few tbsp water, just enough so the dressing has the consistency of pouring cream. Drizzle over the salad.  Enjoy!

-M.C.

Screen shot 2013-05-02 at 3.02.56 PMimage source here