Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: The Stubby Pencil

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The other day I read a recent post from a friend of mine, Rachel, who has just moved to Malawi (and whose blog is always worth reading). Out of her experience in Malawi, she offers an illustration of want and plenty using a stubby pencil, the prized possession of one of their new friends, six-year-old Asan.

Christmas is a season for excesses, and of course there is something entirely right about that. But Rachel offers a timely reminder  for this Monday’s food for thought to not forget that excess itself is culturally determined, that any abundance that comes to us must be held with the responsibility we owe to the ‘least’ in our societies, whether on a local or global scale – and that we are all impoverished when any one of us is, since that poverty often prevents people from making use of their full capacity in the service of the common good.

Asan, who is six, loves my son Aidan, who he summons daily by standing outside our house and shouting “Ten!”; “Aidan” has morphed in the Chichewa accent into “eh-TEN” and then attenuated, by Asan at least, into, simply “Ten.”

 Asan likes to draw: the first time we met him, he clutched a small composition book, the kind American college students used to write their essay exams in (do they still do this?) and a pencil sharpened at both ends that was, tip to tip, perhaps one and a half or two inches at most.

 Read more here.

-Julia

Family

Part 4 of 4: Infertility/Adoption

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It seems like a lot of our readers are grappling with the ‘when is the best time to have children’ question, especially since this season of life seems to be the perfect time to start a family. But – what if life doesn’t work out that way?

Over the next couple of months, we’ll follow 4 different graduate wives through their journeys of infertility, miscarriage, and adoption. If you are facing any of the above, or know a graduate wife who is, we hope you will find their stories encouraging and supportive.  ~Mandy and MC

-written by Katy, a current graduate wife

–Part 1 found here

–Part 2 found here

–Part 3  The first part of Katy’s story found here

As we were moving overseas in less than three weeks, we knew that our situation would be unusual. In fact, at first we weren’t even sure it would be possible for us to adopt while living abroad. But after a little research we learned that as American citizens living in Europe we could pursue a path to adoption following a precedent set by military families living abroad. As we interviewed agencies, talked about what type of adoption we were interested in pursuing, and read everything about adoption we could get our hands on, two things happened. First, I felt empowered to make decisions in a way that I had not felt in years. For so long it seemed like whether or not we became parents was completely out of our control. We couldn’t get pregnant on our own, and once we began fertility treatments I began to defer all decisions to the doctors we worked with. Now, with adoption, I was back in control and able to make choices and decisions with my husband that had been taken away from us for so long. And second, my heart began to heal. One of the most important books that I read during this painful journey was Adopting: Sound Choices, Strong Families by Patricia Irwin Johnston. If you are going through infertility, whether or not you are looking at adoption, I strongly recommend this book, if only for her section on grief.

Johnston writes about how infertility is not just one loss, but really multiple losses including (but not limited to), the loss of control, the loss of genetic continuity, the loss of a jointly conceived child, lost physical and emotional expectations (pregnancy and birth), and the loss of the parenting experience. Reading that finally gave me the permission to name my grief and realize that grief is multifaceted, and therefore not dealt with all at once, or all in the same way. Choosing adoption allowed us to break free from some of the grief we had been carrying with us for years. We were able to regain a level of control over our ability to grow our family that had previously been beyond our reach. Once again we were free to anticipate becoming parents with joy and hopefulness. Our grief was transforming. And while some of the losses we experienced through infertility, particularly the loss of never experiencing pregnancy (which likely will always be an area of tenderness), remain poignant for me, we both felt as if new life had been breathed into us, and suddenly the fog that had been hanging over us for the past five years began to recede.

The week before we moved to the UK we settled on a wonderful faith-based agency that was happy to work with us, and we began the paper work to pursue a domestic infant adoption. Shortly after making the decision to move forward with our adoption, we went from feeling like we had no options with our infertility to suddenly having more options than we knew what to do with. It was strange being in a new geographic place, working to form a new community, while still carrying the wounds of loss the past few years had left us with. No one knew about our past, knew that we were mourning, or that we were actively pursuing adoption. It felt like we were a two-sided couple: the happy, carefree couple excited to begin a European adventure and two heartbroken souls desperate to become parents. Finally, we made the decision to share openly with our new community about where we were at, despite our fears that it was too early in these relationships to share such personal and difficult details. Our vulnerability yielded rich rewards as we found comfort, encouragement, and empathy among our new friends in the midst of this graduate-life journey we were sharing together.

Over the next few months we completed all the paperwork and found ourselves ‘actively waiting’ the placement of a child. When the call finally came that we had been chosen, our joy was made that much fuller by the wonderful surprise party our friends organized to celebrate. Our long wait was nearly over, and nine months after we had begun ‘actively waiting’ we found ourselves back in the States watching the birth of our beloved son. Those first moments he was placed in my arms still seem like a dream. He was beautiful and perfect, and I was at long last a mama. Even now, fifteen months later, I still have days that tears of joy overflow as I look back over our long road to parenthood and can honestly say I’m thankful for all of it. It shaped me and changed me in ways that were incredibly painful, but also incredibly beautiful. Infertility was like a refining fire that taught my husband and I how to truly love one another, taught us what it means to be vulnerable, and about our desperate need for grace. Adoption has taught us about the incredible capacity and depth with which we have been created to love. It has shown us that out of deep grief comes an even deeper joy. And throughout our entire journey, we have learned that openness and vulnerability with your community makes room to experience true life together. Going through infertility and completing an adoption while living as graduate students in foreign countries has not been easy. But the gift of having a close-knit group of friends through the graduate community walk this long journey with us has made our joy that much more complete, providing strength in our brokenness, encouragement when we were without hope, and steadfast love throughout it all.

How has your graduate community helped you heal, or deal with difficult, life changing decisions without family nearby?

Children

Part 3 of 4: Infertility/Adoption

thegraduatewife1 Comment

It seems like a lot of our readers are grappling with the ‘when is the best time to have children’ question, especially since this season of life seems to be the perfect time to start a family. But – what if life doesn’t work out that way?

Over the next couple of months, we’ll follow 4 different graduate wives through their journeys of infertility, miscarriage, and adoption. If you are facing any of the above, or know a graduate wife who is, we hope you will find their stories encouraging and supportive.  ~Mandy and MC

-written by Katy, a current graduate wife

–Part 1 found here

–Part 2 found here

When my husband and I married over nine years ago, we knew our path was going to be a road less traveled. As we watched most of our friends settle down into long term careers, purchase homes, and start families, we found ourselves packing up a Penske truck and heading across the country to a place entirely new to us and away from all our family and friends in order for me to complete a masters degree in Social Work. We were young and newly married and the whole thing seemed like a grand adventure. As I was finishing my masters we decided that my husband would begin his masters in Theology the following Fall. Once again we packed up all our belongings in a big Penske truck and drove back across the country and up to Vancouver, Canada. Three years in we felt like old pros at the graduate life routine and were excited for another adventure. We were also excited as we decided this would be the perfect time to start our family and take advantage of the free health care available to us in Canada. I assumed the first month we wanted to get pregnant we would and then nine months later we would have a perfect, healthy baby to share our lives with. I can still vividly remember the excitement and hopefulness during those first few months of trying to get pregnant. But, when month after month started to pass us by I began to have a sinking suspicion that something was wrong.

Things weren’t working like you see in the movies. There were no joyful tears over sharing a positive pregnancy test. I didn’t get to make the excited calls to our parents to share that we were expecting. And we never got to have a fun dinner party or surprise email to all our friends to share ‘the big news’. Instead, I got to watch from the sidelines as most of our friends and family lived out all those experiences I so longed for. A deep and profound grief began to settle over me and after 18 months of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, we decided to seek medical help. Following a series of painful and invasive tests, and one surgery later, we were given the news that it would be impossible for us to get pregnant without significant medical intervention. Looking back now that diagnosis came almost as a relief. For so long we had lived in the land of ‘what if’ and now, finally, we had concrete answers and a clear action plan from the fertility specialists. I felt a renewed sense of hope and we dove headfirst into the crazy world of fertility treatments. I quit my job to eliminate as much stress as possible, we cut out all manner of foods, began taking various herbal supplements, and I started seeing an acupuncturist and massage therapist. Surely, with so much help and commitment I would be pregnant in no time and our long-deferred dream of becoming parents would finally be a reality.

Our first round of IVF was cut short when ‘my numbers’ weren’t looking right. Round two we had a successful procedure and I counted down the days until we had the official word that we were expecting. That call never came. The call that did come informed us that the treatment had ‘failed’ and would we like to book the next round? All that I heard was that I had failed and once again my dreams of motherhood were lost. Only this time there was no language to talk about it. Loosing our embryos wasn’t technically a miscarriage, but for me the loss was incredibly painful. For however briefly I held that life inside me, they were ours, and in those weeks of waiting, our imagined life together was so beautiful and real. I didn’t know how to talk about our loss and our friends, and family didn’t know what to say, either. We were stuck in nowhere land with a grief that didn’t have a clear name. I felt more broken and empty in the months that followed that loss than I have ever felt in my life. And, as our journey would have it, the news of that ‘failed’ IVF came just as my husband finished his Masters degree and we learned that he had been accepted into a PhD program in the UK. We were meant to begin that fall, but after spending significant time in prayer we decided to defer until January of the following year and move back to my hometown to be near family and have time to grieve and mourn and figure out how to move forward. Throughout our heartbreak our desire to become parents never faltered. If anything the longing was only intensified by the brief moments of hope we had when the possibility of pregnancy was still within our reach. As such, we decided to give IVF another try and once again began in earnest to prepare ourselves for the physical, spiritual and emotional toll we knew was before us. One morning, just a few days before the treatment began, I awoke with a profound conviction that we were to look into adoption. My husband had been open to this path to parenthood for a long time, but my longing to experience pregnancy and to create a life together prevented me from being able to move in that direction. This new openness to adoption was a major shift in my heart, but as we had already begun another round of IVF we decided to see it through. Once again, we hoped and prayed that this would be our time: that we would finally get to share good news, not bad. And that we would get to be parents. But, the day after the embryo transfer I knew things were not right, and sure enough, another failed IVF. Heartbroken and exhausted we took solace in the love and support of our family and friends. We grieved and cried and talked about our loss, and cried some more. It would have been easy as I found myself more and more caught up in the world of infertility and loss to ‘check out’ in all other areas of my life, particularly given our experience in the mid-point of this graduate life. Instead, I learned the importance of vulnerability and transparency in the midst of grief. It was in reconciling ourselves to this experience of loss that we began our first tentative steps in exploring what adoption would look like.

Be sure to check out tomorrow’s post for part 2 of Katy’s story.

As a graduate wife going through infertility, how do you stay open and vulnerable when it’s easy to live ‘on the surface’ when coming to a new community that doesn’t know your full story?

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Making Your Own Deodorant

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While I am normally very conscious of the foods I eat and any drugs or supplements I put into my body, I am not always as vigilant about products that come into contact with my skin, like deodorant. However, thanks to my friend Kim, I began looking into the issue of potential risks to using mainstream deodorants and antiperspirants. If you’re curious, this article enumerates many of the possible dangers, including possible links to breast cancer, Alzheimer’s Disease, and allergic reactions.

As a result, I began using a deodorant which I make in a clean jelly jar and apply daily using my fingers. The recipe is super simple:
Mix together:
¼ c. cornstarch
¼ c. baking soda
4 T. coconut oil
10 drops of essential oil (Kim & I both use lavender)

I’ve been using the homemade deodorant since June of this year and have found it to be as useful as any other product I’ve tried, while not drying out my underarms to the point of itching and discomfort. So, feel free to give it a try–it’s definitely worth a shot if you have some extra coconut oil lying around, and there just may be more health benefits in the long run!

Something to think about this Monday morning!

-Keeley

Shuga' Mommas

Shuga’ Mommas: Chocolate Brownies

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Have you ever had a dessert that was so decadent, that you practically swooned while eating it?

This is how I feel about this brownie recipe.

My friend, Catie, was gracious enough to pass this amazing recipe straight from her own kitchen to our GW readers.  Do you know what the most wonderful thing about it is, besides the chocolate? It’s versatile – so you can make it gluten free, or gooey, or cakey, or really however you like brownies. I guarantee after you’ve made a batch, you’ll never ever ever ever ever again travel the boxed brownie route. I know I haven’t.

And, let’s be honest. It’s nice to have a new, easy, delicious recipe to be used in the midst of a busy holiday season!

Catie’s Brownies

Ingredients:

  • Butter (190 grams)
  • 2 blocks of quality dark chocolate (150 grams each)
  •  2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 cup of flour

Melt the butter and blocks of chocolate in a saucepan. After melted, remove from stove and stir in 2 tsp of vanilla extract. Add in 2 cups of sugar and stir. Stir/mix in 4 eggs, then 1 cup of flour.

Bake for 25-30 minutes, at 325F (163C).

A couple of notes:

1. I typically add in 1 tsp of almond extract in addition to the vanilla. But, you can add in all kinds of things: brandy, rum, peppermint…the sky is the limit.

2. To make your brownies more cake like, add more flour.

3. To make gluten free: use gluten free flour, and 1 tsp of xantham gum.

You’re welcome. (Trust me, every time you make these, people will profusely thank you). And, thanks to Catie for the recipe!

What’s your favourite holiday treat? Would you be willing to share it with our GW readers? If so, send us an email.

~Mandy

Moving

City of Woes

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https://i0.wp.com/distilleryimage7.s3.amazonaws.com/ef949576252a11e284a91231382040e4_7.jpg

–written by ML, a current graduate wife

We don’t like it here.

Not everyone ends up enjoying the location of their spouse’s chosen school. My husband’s graduate school is fantastic and the people he works with are great. He loves his program, has so many opportunities he wouldn’t somewhere else, and it will benefit him greatly in the future.

But it’s different here, 2,000 miles from home. The people aren’t as nice and after five years it’s really wearing on us. It’s much more densely populated. It’s a pain to drive, park, take public transportation, and just plain dangerous to ride a bike. Simple errands I never thought about before are cause for anxiety and frustration. The crime rate is high. It’s humid and floods often. And it’s oh so very much more expensive than any place we’ve been before.

There are a number of reasons you might not like where you are. Here are some of my suggestions based on the last five years of coping.

1)     Buy a local guide book.  I didn’t do this at first because I wasted time thinking of everything as temporary. Now that we’re down to the final year (hopefully), and I’m armed with multiple books, there is so much we want to do but won’t have time for. Yes, we have to get out of town and that costs money, but it more than pays for itself in keeping us sane. There are all kinds of guidebooks, get the one(s) that suits you. Books for families, nature lovers, bike enthusiasts, and people with pets (to name a few).

2)     Make friends who share your attitudes and beliefs. It’s a relief to kick back with someone that is on the same page as you, and friendships make the support system you will need.

3)     Focus on the things you don’t hate. This can be hard at times, but I bet you can find at least one thing you don’t hate about where you are. Sometimes I have to run this list over and over again through my head, but it helps. Now that we’ll be leaving soon, I’m even sad about leaving some of it.

4)     If you can, find a place that reminds you of home. This can be a nice “escape” during a particularly rough week. Maybe there’s a restaurant or bar that’s similar to one back home (maybe they’ll even put on the game of your favorite team back home if you ask them).There might be a hiking trail that helps you forget you’re in a big city. It could be a place that has an activity you did before you left (like a rock climbing wall or an ice skating rink).

5)     Workout. It’s a great way to relieve frustration, and it’s healthy, too. Whether I’m here or there, a treadmill and the music I’m listening to are the same. I also just feel better when I’m in shape.

6)     Make your house your home. This is another thing I neglected for a while because I felt it was so temporary. I slowly added pieces that I like, and now our home feels to me like a sanctuary. Let the weather do what it will, let the traffic out front be bad – I’m in my home with my favorite books, pictures on the wall, and our Harry Potter wands on display.

7)     If you love pets, try to find a place that allows them. This took us three years. This isn’t the most pet-friendly area, and when people find an apartment where pets are allowed, they don’t move. For three years it was like something was missing. Now, coming home to a purring cat after a hard day can make all the difference.

8)     Learn something from it. Before we moved we had some pretty romanticized ideas about what it would be like here. It sounds crazy, but I’m a little glad we’re somewhere we don’t like for this stage in our lives. It’s made me so aware that we need to research an area and find out what it’s really like before moving there for a career. (This is a great time to discuss what you want in the future.)

9)     Visit some place worse. Okay, okay, we didn’t so this on purpose, who would? But we took a trip and couldn’t wait to get back here. Sometimes when I want to complain about this place, I stop and think about all the ways it’s better than some of the other places we could have gone.

10)  Think about when it’s over and you’ll be moving. Is there something you’ll miss? Take advantage of the time you have left to enjoy the things you won’t have when you’re gone.

Though you’re far from home, remember that you’re with the one you love, someone who shares at least some of your interests, attitudes, and beliefs. This person is your rock, and you are theirs; be there for each other.

If you don’t like where you live, what have you done during your graduate journey to make it livable?

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Quote for the Day

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I stumbled across this quote the other day, and it was a good reminder to me to not lose sight of the end goal in this graduate life. Sometimes, in the middle of a busy semester or term, I forget where we are headed because I get lost in the day-to-day details of life. This graduate journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s good to remember that from time to time.

“There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.”

– Author Unknown

I hope wherever you are today, you remember that the part you are playing in this graduate journey is important. You are an inspiration.

~Mandy

Holidays · Inspiration

Gratitude – Moving Art

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In the spirit of this week’s gratitude, we leave with you this inspirational piece created by Louie Schwartzberg. It’s a great reminder that each day given to us is a gift. Be gracious and love well.

Happy Thanksgiving.
~Mandy and M.C.

Wednesday's Weekly Tip

Wednesday’s Weekly Tip: Thanksgiving Hosting 101

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 Thanksgiving is almost upon us and just as Mandy shared on Monday, it’s a wonderful time for us to stop and reflect upon what we are grateful for.  It’s a time of hopefully slowing down a bit, eating delicious homemade dressings and pies and just relaxing with family and friends.  However, if you have ever been the one hosting the Thanksgiving meal, you know that might not be the case.

Thanksgiving can be an incredibly rich and beautiful meal to share around your table, but it can also bring an enormous about of stress as you prepare for the big day.  I know many of us grad students aren’t always able to travel to be with family for Thanksgiving and end up opening our own doors to friends and neighbors for the first time. If this happens to be you this year, below are some super handy last minute tips that I have found helpful. Happy feasting, hosting and giving thanks!!

-M.C.

1) Proper Table Prep 101: Super simple  image teaching you how to properly set a table!

2) Thanksgiving Decorating 101: Check out these sites for some great, easy peasy tips to make your table look beautiful and inviting. (Two more: here and here).  (My favorite is the ‘thankful tree’ idea listed as a centerpiece!)

3) Last Minute Hosting 101:  Great tips on how to prepare to host a party in 24 hours or less!

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: Why Gratitude Is Good

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These past two weeks, my facebook and twitter feed has practically blown up with everyone’s daily November thanks. Since Remembrance Sunday was also just commemorated in the UK, I’ve spent most of November thinking a lot about gratitude, and wondering what it would look like if the November thanks given every year was continued throughout the rest of the year. What would it look like in the winter doldrums, in the spring flowers, or the summer sunshine?

Gratitude is good for us. Yes, it is good for our souls, as it reminds us that we are part of something larger than ourselves; but did you know it can be good for our physical bodies as well? I recently stumbled across this article by Dr Robert Emmons, a world leading expert on the practice of gratitude and the effects it has on our physical health, psychological well-being, and relationships with others.

Dr Emmons says that gratitude is good for us in these four ways:

1. Gratitude allows us to celebrate the present.

2. Gratitude blocks toxic, negative emotions.

3. Grateful people are more stress resistant.

4. Grateful people have a higher sense of self-worth.

Do you do anything to cultivate gratitude in your own life throughout the whole year?

Something to think about this Monday morning!
~Mandy