For those of you on the other side of the pond, about to celebrate that American holiday (it really SHOULD be a holiday), the Superbowl, here’s a brilliant little VW commercial teaser to get you started. Because honestly, who watches the Superbowl for the football? I strictly watch for the commercials, and the food.
Enjoy!
-Mandy
-Written by Mandy & Julia
Today we are featuring the second post on the series: “What I wish I had known” going into my graduate wife journey. Please see the first post here.
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Work: When my husband and I made the decision to go to graduate school, I committed to support us. I have worked the entire time we’ve been in school, and have had some really wonderful (but often difficult) jobs along the way. It’s not easy putting your other half through school, either emotionally or financially. There’s a lot of self-sacrificing involved.
I’ve had several fellow graduate wives work some pretty incredible jobs to be that financial support – everything from clown, journalist, nanny, and lawyer. Usually when I hear their stories, my respect for them, no matter what they do, triples. If you are working, and your other half is in school AND working, how do you find the time to support each other? I don’t know about you, but time is a precious commodity in our house.
Here are some things we’ve done over the course of the last few years:
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Avoiding Pitfalls:
I do love the sense of adventure that the graduate journey has brought us, even through the most difficult times. One of the things I haven’t particularly enjoyed is moving. I don’t like having our ‘stuff’ strewn through two States at parent’s homes; I don’t like not knowing where things are (even though, I did at one point have all our storage boxes labelled by number that corresponded with an excel spreadsheet – so literally at any time, I could go call my Mom to say, “Will you go to box 16 and mail me ____?” I obviously had too much time on my hands before we moved); and I really don’t like the fact that nothing in our current flat seems like it’s ‘ours’ right now.
When you move and start over, there are always pitfalls to avoid as you wouldn’t want to end up in a crappy apartment with black mold growing down the walls or a neighbor whose favorite past time is playing Jay-Z’s new song, Glory. At 3 am. To full volume. (No offense to Jay-Z, or to Glory).
How do you plan accordingly for moving to a new city? A lot of this will seem like common sense, but there are some things on this list we didn’t do before we moved, and paid a dear price for later on.
Traveling: Hands down, the biggest regret that my husband and I have since living here is that we haven’t taken the time to travel more in the UK. We have an intimate relationship with Oxford, but haven’t made the time to visit very many other places in the UK. (We have managed to travel through a bit of Europe). Now with a toddler running around, it makes things even more difficult.
With all the groupon coupons, living social coupons, etc you should be able to afford and make the time to travel to other places in the area, State, or country you live in. Get to know the city you live in – visit the museums, hang out in the coffee shops, visit the restaurants. When I first worked in Oxford, I visited a news agent so frequently, that I became friends with the owner.
Our excuse for not traveling was my husband’s schedule. Looking back, would it have mattered if it had taken him another month or two in the long run to finish his dissertation? The answer is NO! So pack your bags and go!
Written by Mandy & Julia
Today we are staring a three part series on “What I wish I had known” going into my graduate wife journey. Mandy and Julia have almost 16 years combined experience of being graduate wives and they have moved almost 8 times to different institutions between the two of them. Today’s post focuses on ‘intangible’ things they wish they known to expect, Thursday’s post will focus on more ‘tangible’ things they wish they had known to be aware of, and finally we will close next week with a post sharing a bit of both. I have read through this and am incredibly encouraged and thankful for the advice. I hope it speaks to you on the journey as well! – M.C.
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Uncertain Future: The world of academia is a chasm of uncertainty. Open posts are few and far between; our other halves constantly compete for posts against their friends, and inevitably watch their friends win; and most of the time, 250 applications (or more) will be filled out before one interview is granted. I can attest to the fact that most of time, our lives feel like one big question mark after another.
For you graduate wives just beginning your journey, the ‘end’ is the light at the end of the tunnel; it’s the present that’s difficult as you try to make it through with a husband, fiancée, or boyfriend who spends way too many nights in the library with his new mistress, the dissertation.
For you graduate wives ending your journey, you’ve proudly watched your other half step across a platform to be granted a degree, your heart nearly bursting with pride. Now, you’re watching him slog through application after application, and you have no idea where you’re going to be living in six months.
How in the world do you navigate that?
I wish I had an easy answer. This was only supposed to be a three-year gig when we began our journey (sometime I’ll tell you that whole story). Instead, we sit here eight years later, with no idea of what’s around the corner for us. The best reminder that I’ve received from an older graduate wife is this is just a season of life. And it is. Sometimes, when I am incredibly weary, I get tired of hearing it, and I worry that my husband will never find a post, and that none of my dreams will ever be actualized. But, you know what? Something WILL inevitably work out. It will more than likely look completely opposite than what we had in mind, but it will be right for us. And, it will be right for you.
Remember this as your graduate wife story is being penned: This is only a season of your life.
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Familial Alienation: For me, it initially felt easier to leave the stories of our European adventures in Europe when visiting family back home. My rationale went like this: “If I tell them about all the beauty we’ve taken in, I come off as bragging and just plain old obnoxious. Worse, if I tell them about the weekly ritual of scrubbing mold from our furniture, clothing and walls, won’t they just think I am simply ungrateful?”
This way of thinking may have worked for the first year or so, especially when I had one foot in Target and the other just teetering on the edge of Tesco’s (a big grocery chain in the UK) doorstep. But then my marriage, my children, my career – my life – rooted and blossomed here. What then?
I had to get over my insecurities about sharing our world with our families so that our families knew us. It’s hard enough to leave your loved ones behind physically – don’t fall into the trap of leaving them emotionally as well.
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Community: If you read this blog, you know we harp on building community. We do that because MC and I have seen the benefits of what happens when you’re willing to share your life and story with other people traveling the same journey. We’ve previously focused on how you cultivate community, but haven’t really touched on the emotional why parts of it.
The first part of our graduate journey was spent rehashing that lesson again and again and again; I refused to put down roots in our new city, and in the first year of school, I (we) went back to see our friends in Atlanta six or seven times. I had one foot firmly planted where my heart was, and the other foot planted because it’s where I had to be. It wasn’t healthy.
After many discussions (I use that term loosely ha ha) with my husband, we agreed it wasn’t emotionally healthy or balanced to try to maintain a life in Atlanta when we did not live there. It seems like a fairly simple concept now, but at the time I truly felt like, once again, my world was being ripped from my hands. We made the decision together that we would not return to Atlanta for one year.
By investing in the city or community you live in, you are choosing to live in the present. If you spend all your time wishing you were somewhere else, then you may miss an important part or piece of your life’s growth process. That’s not an easy thing to do when you’d rather be somewhere else. When I began the process of actually getting to know the Orlando community, I discovered it wasn’t such a bad place to live. When I started investing in relationships, I realized there were some amazing people that were worth getting to know. I look back now, and often wonder what life would be like today, if we hadn’t made the decision to cultivate community and plant our feet firmly where we lived. When we moved from there in 2007, we left some wonderful friends that I was genuinely sad to leave.
I do think it has been one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned along this path: Live in the present and invest in those around you.
I came across this piece in the New York Times this weekend, via a friend’s blog, and I just don’t even know what to do with it.
Who isn’t in love with every new Apple product?
Who hasn’t heard Steve Jobs being praised as one the greatest men of our time?
But really…all at the cost of human life?
There is a lot here to process and think through.
Do we ever stop to think about how shiny, new, amazing, luxuries made their way into our hands?
Thoughts?
-M.C.
“We’re trying really hard to make things better,” said one former Apple executive. “But most people would still be really disturbed if they saw where their iPhone comes from.”
“You can either manufacture in comfortable, worker-friendly factories, or you can reinvent the product every year, and make it better and faster and cheaper, which requires factories that seem harsh by American standards,” said a current Apple executive.
“And right now, customers care more about a new iPhone than working conditions in China.”
Written by Alicia, friend of several graduate wives
I am not a graduate wife, never have been and who knows if I ever will be. (I am a single twenty something living and working on the East Coast.) But I sure know a lot of graduate wives. Friends from college and life post-college who followed their husbands to law school, divinity school, business school or to start work on a PhD. Women in my small group, church, and acquaintances from where I grew up who left town to help support their husbands’ dreams of further education.
In many ways, I can’t relate.
I am not married. I really only have to think about myself. I do have days that I long for a spouse to share life with and it seems easy to drop everything and imagine following someone else’s dreams, at other times I am reminded just how high the cost and how great the sacrifice involved in the life of a graduate wife. However on quite a few levels I have found that I can relate. I too know that the stresses of life can be great and can share in the struggles; the rhythm of the same routine day in and day out can be monotonous, and I can relate to the pressure that finding a job with health insurance in this economy can be almost too much to ask for.
Even though my life might not look exactly like some of my friends, I have found it incredibly valuable to reach out and to share in life with the friends I have both near and far that are in different seasons, especially the ones who find themselves as a graduate wife. Below are some ideas in response to Ashley’s question from Tuesday on how to reach out and support grad wife friends. I hope some speak to you!
Even if you are in a different season of life that seems so far from where your graduate life friends are at, reach out and be a blessing to them. Laugh, cry, love and care well for your graduate wife friends and don’t let your ‘stage of life’ stop you from doing so.
Do you have any other ideas on how you have learned to relate to and support graduate wife friends or family during this season?
-written by Ashley, a friend to several graduate wives
I remember the day my friends packed up everything they owned into a U-Haul, for what would be their first of several grad school journeys. I remember helping them pack and clean, and I remember saying my goodbyes. I remember the tears flowing down my face and all the emotions of my dear, close friends leaving hit me. My friends were speechless. They had never seen me in such a condition, and quite honestly, I had never seen myself in such a condition.
It’s something that we can joke about today, but at the time, it was not a laughing matter. I felt possessed. I felt broken. I felt empty. I was scared. And quite honestly, I was mad. Don’t get me wrong; I was excited for them. But at the root of it, I was being selfish. I didn’t want them to go. I couldn’t help but doubt whether or not this was really the best thing for them. I questioned whether or not they were making a mistake. Didn’t they know that they were wanted and needed right here, with me?
That was 8 years ago. Needless to say, they are still not here with me. Quite the opposite is actually true. Now, they are across the world, in a different time zone, in a different country. Their grad school experience has taken them on a journey that I don’t think any of us would have predicted. And quite frankly, had they known about the journey that awaited them, I’m not sure they would have taken it. But, I am so glad they did. I know I’m not the one taking the classes (hallelujah!) and I know I’m not the one financially supporting (hallelujah!) my significant other as they pursue what I consider academic insanity, but here’s what my friends’ grad school journey has taught me…
It has taught me what it means to put someone’s dreams ahead of your own.
It has taught me what it means to take a risk.
It has taught me what it means to follow someone you love, even if it’s not what you want to do.
It has taught me what it means to be stretched.
It has taught me what it means to be challenged.
It has taught me what it means to want something for someone else.
It has taught me what it means to be a friend.
(And it has taught me that I never want to go to grad school!) :)
If you’re not a graduate wife, but you read this blog, how do you support and encourage a friend of yours who IS a graduate wife or significant other to a graduate?
So, I gotta say that this fascinating little article from CNN’s lightyears blog tickled my fancy. I was pretty excited that I could relate to it…but only because I happen to be familiar with it’s content due to my husband’s research in the philosophy of physics. The article showcases a recent study conducted with a group of Oxford Physicists that basically proves the strange and somewhat startling reality that two very separate objects can experience the same effects at the very same moment as though connected to each other in some mysterious way. This is the first time, at least I think it is, that scientist were able to show that common everyday objects can experience some of the fascinating and strange qualities that happen in quantum mechanics (the physics of things at the atomic level). If you don’t know what quantum mechanics is, I hope that you will google it. :) I found myself doing that a lot when my husband and I were dating. It’s absolutely fascinating and enthralling. You might even be interested in watching this funny little youtube clip complete with a cartoon to help explain some of the most surprising behavior in quantum mechanics. It makes me marvel at the depth and beauty of creation and leaves me with much food for thought. I like how the articles closes “It’s just really fascinating, and really confusing, at the same time.” Haha, well said. Enjoy!
-M.C.
I hear the warm whispers of the North Carolina summers calling me. I feel wooed by the fast-paced life I once lived in Washington, D.C. and I hear echoes of the intimate and truly precious conversations that I shared with friends on our small street in Arlington. I smell hushpuppies and my Dad’s BBQ and all the warm flavors of the deep south tempting me home. I hear the ancient bells here in Oxford and I savor the fun times shared with dear fellow graduate wives. I remember the glorious sunsets on the Chesapeake Bay and the unforgettable and sometimes painful community that was forged while living there on the Eastern Shore. I feel the Big Apple charming me with the adventures & life lessons that unfolded there, and countless meals at my favorite café near Harlem.
Although my graduate wife journey has only really lead me to two different locations, I feel at times like tiny pieces of my heart are scattered about a hundred different places. Do you ever feel this way? Have you moved around a lot on this journey? Have you watched friendships grow and then had to watch as one of you packed up and said goodbye, or fallen in love with a city and a community, only to have to let go?
At times I feel so grateful for all the pieces of my heart scattered about around the country, and even the globe. At other times I feel the weight of heartache for never getting to have all those precious friends and memories and experiences combined into one perfect place. It’s a blessing and a curse at times…but alas it makes up who I am. A giant patchwork quilt.
I feel that recently I am learning how to relish and treasure all the vastly unique experiences that make me who I am. Each place I have lived and each community of which I have been a part hasn’t been perfect…but each has been incredible and beautiful in its own way. In these places I’ve been loved and hurt and supported and broken down. I haven’t necessarily chosen these communities…they have more or less chosen me.
I feel that as a graduate wife, as a supporter, a mover and a dreamer, I have sometimes tried to resist these changes. I have tried to resist the sharing of my life and ultimately of my heart with new friends and new settings. For some reason it never works though. As a fellow graduate wife once shared, “I tried so hard not to make friends in our new graduate community. I was in denial of the move and thought that by wishing it away and not connecting, it would go by more quickly. And sadly after a season of depression, I realized I was very wrong.”
I know that at times it’s easy to just try and ignore our current situations. To dream of bigger houses and steady incomes for our families and to try and deny the reality of where we are now for this season of life. And so I just wanted to encourage each of you fellow graduate wives today. You might be avoiding your current grad school location and counting down the days until graduation or you might be feeling heavy with heartache over a previous home and community that you once knew. You might be anxiously dreading an upcoming move and new graduate program, or you might be so in love with your current graduate wife life that you never want to see it end. Wherever you find yourself, I hope you are able to step back and soak up all the flavors that make up who you are. Smell and hear and taste the unique tapestry of friends, places, jobs, and experiences that this journey has brought to you. I hope you can open up to a new community around you if you haven’t already. Share bits of your story with others and be open to letting them make an imprint on it as well. I know it’s not always easy … but when you take a step back, aren’t patchwork quilts breathtaking?
On your graduate wife journey how have you dealt with moving and uprooting community, friends, jobs, etc.?
-M.C.
Our good friend, Tori, posted a pizza dough recipe awhile back, so I thought I’d follow up with my favourite pizza sauce recipe.
When we moved to the UK, we started making our own pizzas at home. It was cheaper, healthier, and frankly, enjoyable to make. We love having pizza nights at our house!
I have tried several pizza sauce recipes over the years, and none of them compare to this one. The sauce is slightly sweet, while also being rich, and full of flavor. I hope you enjoy it!
PIZZA SAUCE
In a large skillet, melt butter with oil. Add the onion, celery, garlic, and saute until soft. Add tomato sauce and paste, stirring until smooth. Add remaining ingredients, bringing to a slow simmer. Allow to simmer for 30-60 minutes. I usually refrigerate overnight, allowing the flavors to fully develop. This recipe makes enough sauce for two medium sized pizzas. And it does freeze well.
Look at that gorgeous sauce! Yummy….
-Mandy
I have to say upfront that I am not a vegetarian. I have several friends, work colleagues, and family members that are, and for a long time, I (admittedly) thought they were strange.
Who would willingly give up eating a good cheeseburger from time to time?
However, after many conversations with them, I started doing my own research, and realized the impact that massive meat consumption has had on our planet, our health, and our society. One only has to watch documentaries like Super Size Me or Food, Inc. to see with their own eyes what the worldwide food industry is trying to do to sustain the unsustainable.
I know in response to my own conscience, I have greatly reduced my own meat consumption. I try to ensure my family only purchases meat that’s been raised humanely and ethically. Is that making a difference for our planet? I hope. I hope it’s the start of an international food revolution wherein people take responsibility for their actions and do what they deem necessary to protect and love our planet.
I’m a fan of Sir Paul McCartney’s campaign: Meat Free Mondays. It’s a good place to start some research, as well.
Happy Meat Free Mondays!
-Mandy
the graduate wife 