Expectations · Marriage

Love Languages

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Happy Valentines Day!

For me, Valentines Day is another day to celebrate and give gifts to my husband! Woohoo!

My love language is ‘giving’ and I can’t tell you how much joy and delight I get from selecting or creating a gift for him (or for anyone else on any other holiday for that matter).   I’m not kidding: I spend at least half our budget (ok maybe that is a bit extreme) on mailing packages to friends near and far.  Giving gifts is definitely the way I give love. And it’s the way I feel loved as well.

This took some time for my husband to figure out.  Our first Valentine’s Day rolled around, and I think he might have gotten me a box of chocolates, but not much more.  I, on the other hand, had made him some ridiculously intricate, hand-made something, bought him a new shirt (charity shop find of course), and cooked him his favorite meal.  It was then and there that we realized, “Hey, wait a second, I think we give and receive love differently.”

Light bulb.  Have you heard of the New York times best-selling book called The Five Love Languages?  We took the Five Love Languages test found here (wife) and here (husband), and we’ve been so much better in tune with each other’s love language ever since. It’s simple but incredibly profound.  (Here is the site with more information.)

The languages broken down are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts
  • Physical Touch

Taking the test and talking it through with each other might be a fun way to spend your V-day!

-M.C.

Beauty and the Budget

Beauty & the Budget: A Year Round Valentine’s Day Gift

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I’m not a particularly crafty person. I tend to draw my creativity from my friends, even going so far as letting them ‘create’ for me. It’s something I have to work very hard at, so if I do find myself in ‘create’ mode, I usually have to give myself a loads of space and time to finish.

Every once in awhile, I do find a project that I want to work on. I saw the below project a few months back (I think on pinterest?), and decided it would make a great Valentine’s Day gift for my better half. We tend to not celebrate Valentine’s Day (Soapbox: I really don’t need a designated day of the year for my husband to tell me he loves me. He does that every day), but this year I wanted to do something that we could have fun with year round.

IMG_0623 I went to a local craft store to purchase a frame, silver wrapping paper, and stencil letters.

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I cut a square of the silver wrapping paper to fit inside the frame. Using clear tape, I pasted the wrapping paper  to the back of the frame, making it the background.

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I cut the stencil letters out, arranging the message on the frame’s background, still a bit undecided of what the final layout will look like.

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You’ll see I left about 2 inches at the bottom of the frame, plenty of space to write a message. I’ll hang this somewhere in our flat, so we can leave little messages to one another year round.

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Easy project, costing no more than £10, and I get to write love notes to my man year round.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love

~Mandy

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: A Nod to Love

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm: for love is as strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame. – King Solomon

As we come upon the annual day of love, I have been thinking about the meaning of love, and how through my own experiences, my definition of it has changed dramatically over the years.

As you reflect upon your own relationships, especially in relation to the graduate life, what does love mean to you? How do you maintain a sense of love in your relationship? Has your love (or the way you love) changed for your other half in graduate school? Do you celebrate your love more than one time a year? Do you love well?

Something to think about this Monday morning!

~Mandy

Patience · Trust

Believing in Him

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Image found here

For some reason the other morning I found myself reflecting upon the people in my life who’ve ‘believed in me’ throughout the years.

I thought of my Mom and her never-ending encouragement over art projects or creative ideas, or for listening to my class president candidate speech for the hundred and fiftieth time.  I also pictured my little brothers cheering me on before my seventh grade cheerleader audition.  (Yes, one of them even would take pictures of me with his newly beloved Polaroid camera as I practiced my toe-touches).  Or my Dad for all the times he said, “Baby, you don’t need to be worried about (fill in the blank), you can do anything, you can stand on your head for two weeks if you have to.”  Not sure of that logic but it always sounded encouraging…especially when I had two weeks left to finish an exhausting thesis project and no more belief in myself.

I thought about our family friend Lisa and how she trusted me with her kids as their first babysitter when I was still a kid myself.  I gained so much courage from being trusted in and believed in by her and her children.

I thought of my friend Katherine and how she believed in me during college and trusted me with a platform to use some of my creative gifts and thus gave me a chance to blossom and shine in what I was created to do.

I reflected on my first employer Doug and how I truly wouldn’t be who I am today if not for his belief in me and the opportunities he offered me by hiring me to help him start a non-profit.  I never dreamed of doing some of the large-scale events I was able to do for him.  He had tremendous faith in me, and I was given a chance to really flourish.

I then started to think of my husband.  I could picture faces of people who I knew had believed in him and shaped him along the way.  His mother, his old boss, his camp counselor, his master’s thesis advisor, and then….you guessed it…my face came to mind.  (At least I hope he has felt me believing in him). And then the incredible challenge and joy of getting to ‘believe in him’ really hit me.  We as grad wives have a profound mission of encouraging and believing in our husbands during this season of grad school.  If we aren’t there for them, encouraging them, supporting them, cheering them on, who is?  If we aren’t the ones offering to take Polaroid pictures to make sure toes are pointed, then who will?

I realized that maybe some of the darker/harder days over the past few terms could have been helped if I had just believed in my husband better. Not just in my head, but in my heart and in my actions towards him.  I started to think through opportunities to show how much I believe in him and how much I trust him. In the world of PhDs confidence among students is rarely encountered (as many of you know), and I began to think about how I could remind and encourage that confidence in him.  I started thinking about how people ‘believed’ me into flourishing…believed in me enough for me to shine…and how I could do that for him.

I read a quote recently about the bestest of friends being the ones who don’t necessarily have all the answers to offer you, but are the ones willing to sit through hard times with you, the ones willing to reach out and touch your pain, and the ones walking beside you in it.  I realize that maybe that is what ‘believing in him’ looks like right now.  Not trying to ‘believe’ in him in my way…micromanaging his work or our timetables, but trying to simply walk alongside him.  Letting him know all along that I trust him and support him and am on his team.  Believing in him enough so that he can believe in himself.

What do you think?  How have you lived out your support and ‘belief’ in your husband?  How do you do it?

-M.C.

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: What were you doing when you were ten?

So I am sitting in a tiny little dentist office in Headington (area of Oxford) and I’ve just grabbed the clipboard from the funky red-headed receptionist.  I’ve settled into a rather comfy chair by a stack of magazines.  I situate the clipboard to start filling out the form and find it funny that there is a pencil attached to it instead of a pen.  I unclip it and begin to write my name.

As I grip the pencil I feel my heart beat a bit faster.  Can this really be?  Is this the real thing?  Where on earth could this have come from?  It’s been close to twenty years since I have seen anything like it.  I’m almost star-struck…

And you won’t believe it, but I am holding a Lisa Frank pencil.  That’s right, all you kids of the 90’s, you know what I’m talking about.  It’s the legit thing.  A neon pink pencil with a sort of leopard print design inside some stars and the little eraser holder is even shiny blue like it should be.  I can’t help but look around the room at the other patients and smile.  I want to shout out, ‘Did you all get Lisa Frank pencils too?’  I begin to wonder if the red-head pulled it out of her trapper keeper that she found hidden under her childhood bed at her parents’ house or something crazy like that. I have to fight the urge to steal it rather than slip it back into the office clipboard.

– – –

A few months back I went to a women’s forum event hosted here at Oxford for women academics.  I attended (even though not an academic myself and came as ‘married to an academic’) and greatly enjoyed the thoughts and discussions.  When going around the room to introduce ourselves, we had to state our names, why we were in Oxford, and what we were doing when we were ten years old.  Amazing introduction, right?  It was fascinating to hear what every woman around the room was doing when they were ten.  Most of us were from different cultures and continents but many of us commented on doing things that still somewhat could be considered important to us today.  Holding that Lisa Frank pencil and reflecting on ‘what I was doing when I was ten’ has really gotten me thinking lately.  What were my dreams, desires, and visions for my future when I was ten years old?

What were yours?

For me, the past few years of growing, moving, changing has involved a great deal of self-discovery and self-awareness.  It’s been a love/hate journey of where I have come from and where I am going.  I’ve learned a great deal about how to understand, consent and ‘live into’ the woman I am, the woman who I am becoming and to look back upon the woman and girl I once was.  The idea of looking back…thinking back to when I was ten, used to be somewhat of a challenging thing to do. It’s funny though, because now more than ever I wish I could sneak back in time and sit down for tea (or maybe for a pack of gushers) and chat with my old self.  Not to change or teach or ‘enlighten’ the ten year old me, but just to listen.  To listen to what I thought about when the world seemed so big…or rather so small.

Hmmm, not our typical food for thought, but something fun to think about this Monday:

What were you dreaming about when you were ten?

Are any of those dreams similar to what you still dream of today?  Are you living them?

Did any involve tall, dark and handsome, robed academics? J

And do gushers and Lisa Frank still exist?!

-M.C.

I mean yikes!  Just check this guy out? 

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Marriage

Day of Love

February is around the corner and Valentines will be here before long.  With that on our minds, we love sharing the below piece because it captures all the things we’d hope to do in a ‘day of love’, Valentines or any other day to celebrate one’s love.  It’s incredibly important during this sometimes demanding and daunting season to take time out to do just that…celebrate your love and your marriage.  We hope you get inspired and can carve out some time for ‘days of love’ in your near future. -Mandy & M.C.

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Written by Nicole, a current graduate wife

“Hey, I want to talk to you,” I often say to him.

“Talk about what?” he usually replies.

“Our love,” I always gush.

This joke (or is it?) is so engrained in our relationship vernacular that last spring we decided to make a day of celebrating our love. We called it – wait for it – a Day of Love.

Our first Day of Love was well-documented:

We started out with breakfast in bed… Day of Love, Part 1

Then went to a romantic castle… Day of Love, Part 2

And ended up at a bookstore… Day of Love, Part 3

It was so awesome that we now make it a regular thing.

Four times a year – spring, summer, autumn, winter – you should have a Day of Love. Put it on your calendar and look forward to it all season long! It’s just a day to celebrate your love. That’s it. It’s actually important not to have a reason, like a birthday or Valentine’s Day or something.

From sun up (way up, in my sleep-loving case) to sun down, you should do what you love doing together. You could take turns planning or you could plan your Days of Love together.

Get up and watch the sunrise snuggling under your most cuddly blanket.

Get a chai latte and some banana bread at your favorite cozy café.

Get a shower at home and tidy your room so you’re ready to come back to it, if you know what I mean.

Get a picnic basket (or, let’s be honest, a Tesco bag) and fill it with lunch treats you would normally never buy, like artichoke hearts and fancy cheeses.

Get your favorite childhood candies and go to the movies.

Get an appetizer and drinks at a posh restaurant and go to McDonalds afterwards if you’re still hungry.

Get back to your place and light some candles and…

Get it on!

Our next one is on Friday and I. can’t. wait! Woohoo!

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: 21 Reasons You Should Make Art

Are you the artsy, creative type?

I would never put myself in that category. In my head, art and creativity belong to those that actually call themselves artists, not someone like me, who is in the business world. I’ve learned in the past three years that those ideas can actually coexist together; that art and creativity isn’t limited to just those who are talented enough to have paintings hanging in a museum.

One of the things I’ve committed to do in 2013 is to give myself some weekly creative space: time to write, read, and dabble in things like photography and drawing; things I’m not necessarily great at,  but enjoy. I’m lucky that a lot of my friends are self-proclaimed artists, so they have been encouraging me, to say the least.

I stumbled across this article awhile back, and thought it was great. If you’re thinking about creativity, then here’s 21 reasons to embrace it.

~Mandy

Moving

“A Life Lived in Fear is a Life Half Lived” – Dealing with Visa Issues

-Written by Cady, a current graduate wife

The dreaded visa. If you or your partner/spouse happen to be studying in another country then you will know what I am talking about. Just thinking about it conjures up all sorts of images of evil border officers, mountains of paperwork, hundreds even thousands of dollars spent, and a fear so paralyzing and gripping that I just want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. I mean, what else could be worse than the fear of someone preventing you from living with your husband/partner?

To give you an idea of why I have such an adverse reaction to anything remotely related to visas, here’s our story in a nutshell. As the spouse of a citizen from Country X, I have the right to reside in Country Y by law. However, when we applied for my residence card in Country Y, it wasn’t granted. And worse yet, no one would tell us why. Our second application wasn’t acknowledged (it should have been by law), and the legal processing time was exceeded. Thirteen months after not being able to leave the country, paying to translate every document we could think of, guessing at what was missing, spending hours on the phone, and writing complaint letters, I finally received my card. I am a free woman now (at least for the time being).

Usually the Graduate Wife blog inspires me and gives me lots of tips to get through any rough patches along this journey. However, I’m afraid this post may not be of much practical help to you if you are having trouble with your visa situation. Sometimes there is nothing else you can do but wait and have faith (in God, fate, Buddha, chocolate, whatever floats your boat). I just wanted to share a bit and let you know you are not alone.

While you’re waiting, though, remember two things:

  1. A life lived in fear is a life half lived.  (Yes, it’s a quote from one of my favorite movies, Strictly Ballroom. Watch it if you haven’t seen it; it’s amazing!). Try not to let the impending doom affect your day-to-day life.  If you let the fear get to you like I did, you might miss out on all the little good things that are happening to you. (Obviously, this is a lot easier said than done; don’t give up!)
  2. Of course you should let your partner or spouse know how you are feeling, but remember he/she has a lot on her/his plate already. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my husband was very affected by me being so upset. He probably felt guilty he had dragged me to this new place, and that I was so violently distressed. Looking back, I wish I would have been able to put on a braver face for him so he wouldn’t have been so worried about me.  I should have turned to friends more or other ways of venting about the situation to try to shield him from the brunt of it.

Hopefully my story will remind you that things can work out eventually.  So if you are having trouble with your visa, remember you’re not alone.  If you’re not having visa woes, watch for those wives/partners in your community that might be suffering silently.  Reach out to offer a shoulder to cry on, or perhaps invite them to fight the fear for a night by watching one of the best movies of all time together! (And on that note, Strictly Ballroom is where the picture comes from at the top of this piece in case you are wondering.) :)

Monday's Food for Thought

Shuga’ Mommas: 3 Fabulous Soup Ideas

Baby, it’s cold outside.

I don’t know where you live, but here in Oxford, we’ve been enduring wintry snow, and freezing temperatures. On one hand, it was amazing watching my three-year-old son build his first snowman. On the other hand, I’ve consumed more cups of hot tea in the past few days than I have consumed in the past month…..all in the name of keeping warm.

Because of the cold, and the need to curl up under a blanket to catch up on some much loved television shows, I’ve wanted our dinners to be quick and simple – just a delicious soup with a french baguette. I trialed several soups in the past week or so, and wanted to share my favorites with you all.

Pumpkin Soup

I roasted a pumpkin for the first time this past autumn, and froze several cups of it to use at a later time. I had never made pumpkin soup, so tried it out. Definite hit in our house.

Pumpkin soup

I will say a few things about this recipe:

1. Add a spice of some kind, like cumin or chilli flakes. Without it, the soup was a bit bland for our tastes.

2. I added a bit of garlic (2 cloves, minced).

3. I didn’t add the seeds or croutons, but did have a warm seeded baguette to serve with the soup.

4. The soup freezes well.

Red Lentil and Bacon Soup

I’ve never been a huge fan of lentils, but this soup made me change my mind. It was hearty and warm, and quite filling. The leftovers were even better.

Lentil & bacon soup

The only change I made to this soup was using organic bacon in place of the pancetta. That was just my preference though. I’m sure either one would suffice.

Black Bean Soup

I’ve had sort of a love/hate affair with black beans for a long time (to be honest, it’s really just beans in general). As I’ve learned to like black beans, I’ve found that if they’re paired with the right thing, they are quite tasty. I was skeptical of this recipe at first, but am now a HUGE fan of this soup. It should be described as more like a chilli, than a soup, as it was very thick, even after I added more stock to it. The bacon really added a smoky element to it, and the shredded cheese and sour cream reminded me of my favorite Mexican restaurant back home. Win-win.

Picture of Black Bean Soup Recipe

From my kitchen to yours…..enjoy!

What’s your favorite soup? Would you be willing to share a recipe below?

Stay warm,

~Mandy

Monday's Food for Thought

Monday’s Food for Thought: The ‘DL’ on quinoa

To be honest,  around this time last year I didn’t even know what quinoa was, better yet how to pronounce it.  Today, it’s a staple on our grocery list and we eat it at least once a week…from quinoa flakes in our homemade muffins and museli to our new favorite quinoa salads.  This weekend, I came across this article in the Guardian and can’t shake it.  I know we’ve had quite a few ‘food for thoughts’ recently that have actually centered around our food, and this is yet another one to chew on.

But in the case of quinoa, there’s a ghastly irony when the Andean peasant’s staple grain becomes too expensive at home because it has acquired hero product status among affluent foreigners preoccupied with personal health, animal welfare and reducing their carbon “foodprint”. Viewed through a lens of food security, our current enthusiasm for quinoa looks increasingly misplaced.

Yikes. Are you on the quinoa bandwagon? Do I/we stop and think where my/our food is coming from?  Does it add up?  What do I do about it?

-M.C.